The Most Common Sexual Fantasies (You're Not a Freak)

You've got a thought. You know the one. It turns up when you're alone, it does the job every single time, and you'd rather eat your own phone than say it out loud. You've decided that it makes you a pervert. Here's some news. Researchers have actually asked thousands of people about this, and you're very likely to be sitting in a very crowded room.

What the research says

American psychologist Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want, and almost all of them, around 97 per cent, reported having sexual fantasies. A big Canadian study published in 2015 asked more than 1,500 adults about their fantasies, too. It found that plenty of the things people think of as unusual are, in fact, very ordinary. Lehmiller sorted the most common fantasies into seven big themes. Here they are, with a few notes of our own.

1. More people in the bed

Threesomes, group sex and orgies are the king of them all. The vast majority of Lehmiller's respondents had fantasised about a threesome. In your head, there's no awkward moment about whose elbow's where, and nobody's left out. Real life's different, as our threesome etiquette guide explains, and this one reminds you that the third person's an actual person.

2. Power and control

Being tied up, being told what to do, being the one giving the orders, getting spanked. It's very, very common, and that includes people who run companies, raise families and never let anyone tell them what to do. In the Canadian study, more than half of both women and men had fantasised about being dominated. Handing over control can be a huge relief. Our dom and sub guide is a good place to start, and a $12.95 blindfold is an easy first step.

3. Novelty and adventure

A new position, a new toy, a new location. It might be a beach at midnight, or a plane toilet, or anywhere that isn't your bed on a Sunday. Your brain loves anything new, as that's simply how it's built. It also doesn't have to worry about sand. Our sex bucket list has 40 ideas, and our beach sex guide can tell you what might get you charged.

4. Taboo and forbidden things

Things like feet, latex, being watched or watching someone else. The forbidden stuff is hot because it's forbidden. A workmate or your partner's hot friend can star in your head as often as you like, and they'll never know. Keep it that way.

5. Passion and romance

This one surprises people. Plenty of fantasies are about someone who just can't keep their hands off you. They're about being wanted, adored and seen. There's no rope and no third person, just someone who's looking at you like the last snag at the barbie. It's every bit as valid as a dungeon, and you can also try it with a bit of praise.

6. Mixing up the rules

Non-monogamy in all its forms: an open relationship, swapping with another couple or watching your partner with someone else. Plenty of couples never do anything about it, and it's still one of the hottest things that they talk about in bed. If you want to take it further, read our guide to opening up and our hotwifing guide first.

7. Playing with gender

Wearing lingerie, swapping roles, having a different body for an hour or being taken by someone with a strap-on. Far more people have thought about this than will ever say so. Our pegging guide is a great place to start, and straight blokes who've got this on their minds are not at all alone. Our costume guide is ready when you are.

What about the fantasy where you're overpowered?

This one worries people more than any other, and it's among the most common there is, especially for women. Having a fantasy about being taken doesn't mean that you want it to happen. A fantasy's a story that you're writing and directing, and you can stop it any time. That's what makes it the opposite of what it looks like. If you've experienced sexual assault and you're having these thoughts, that's also common, and it says nothing bad about you. If you'd like support, our guide can help, and 1800RESPECT is there on 1800 737 732.

So what do your fantasies mean?

Generally, not that much. They don't reveal your deepest truth. They're not a to-do list. They might not say anything about what you want from your partner, and you can love your partner very much and still think about a firefighter. If there's a fantasy that causes you real distress, or you worry that you might act on it in a way that would hurt someone, then talk to a psychologist. They've heard it all, and that's their job.

Should you tell your partner?

You don't have to. Some fantasies are best left in your head, and you've got every right to keep them there. But if you want to share one, start small. Try a yes, no, maybe list, because it does the awkward bit for you. Try reading some audio erotica or a filthy book together, and see what makes their ears prick up. Say "I had a very hot dream last night", and watch their face. If they're the one telling you, here's how to take it well.

And you can always play out the safe version. A bit of roleplay and a couple of kinky dice can go a long way. Otherwise, you can leave it where it is, and get it out when you need it. It's your head, and nobody's checking.