Dominant and Submissive: How to Work Out Which One You Are

Picture this: someone you trust grabs a handful of your hair, looks you dead in the eye and tells you to get on your knees. Now picture the other version: you're the one holding the hair. One of those made your stomach drop in a very good way. That's your first clue.

Being dominant or submissive in bed has nothing to do with who you are at the office. Plenty of CEOs want to be told what to do by 7pm, and the quietest person you've ever met might turn out to be terrifying with a riding crop. Here's how to work out what you like.

What do the words mean?

• Dominant (dom, domme): Enjoys being in control, giving orders, setting the pace and deciding what happens next.
• Submissive (sub): Enjoys giving up control, following orders, being told what to do and pleasing someone.
• Switch: Enjoys both, depending on the day, the mood and the partner.
• Top and bottom: These describe who's doing what, rather than who's in charge. You can bottom and still be running the whole show. Our service top guide explains that bit.

It's a game you've both agreed to play. A submissive isn't a doormat, and they're holding most of the power, since everything stops the second they say so.

A quick way to tell

Have a think about these, on your own, with no one watching. You could lean one way, or both.

You might lean submissive if:

• You'd love for someone else to make all the decisions for once.
• Being held down, or told "not yet", gives you a real thrill.
• You really like being told you've done well. Check out our guide to praise kink.
• Your fantasies are about things being done to you.

You might lean dominant if:

• Watching someone squirm because of something you did is the best part.
• You like planning what's going to happen, and being the one to decide.
• You get off on someone asking your permission.
• You love taking care of someone, and being responsible for them.

You might be a switch if you've read both of those lists and felt a bit warm both times.

Try it out, gently

You find out by doing, and you don't have to buy anything to begin. Here are some ways of finding out:

• Take turns giving orders for 15 minutes. Set a timer. One of you gives instructions, the other follows, then you swap. See which half you liked better.
• Pin their wrists. Just with your hands, for a moment. Ask how it felt, for each of you.
• Tell them they can't come until you say. Orgasm control is a great little power game that needs no gear.
• Add a blindfold. The Sportsheets Twilight Tease gives you total darkness, and whoever's wearing it has handed over a lot of trust. Our blindfold guide has more.
• Try soft cuffs. The Sportsheets Midnight Muse cuffs are comfortable, and have quick-connect clips. Our restraints guide shows you how to use them safely.

Before you start

• Talk about it first. Say what you're curious about, and what's off the table. Our kink negotiation guide makes this very easy, and a yes, no, maybe list can help you get started.
• Pick a safeword. "Red" for stop and "yellow" for slow down. Our safeword guide explains why. Anyone can use it, including the dominant.
• Plan your aftercare. This might be cuddles, water or a cup of tea, and it matters even after a light scene. Here's our aftercare guide.

Next steps

Once you've got a sense of which way you lean, we've got guides on how to be a good dom and how to be a great sub. If you'd like to meet others, here's what happens at a munch.

What it isn't

This is only ever a game between people who've said yes, and who can stop at any time. A dominant doesn't get to ignore your limits, and they aren't in charge of your life, your money or your friends unless you've both very carefully chosen that. Real abuse often uses the same words as kink. If somebody's ignoring your safeword, hurting you in ways you didn't agree to or using this to control you, it isn't BDSM. You can talk to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

Your answer might also change. Lots of people start out thinking they're one thing, and they find out they're something else with a different partner. You don't have to pick for life. You've just got to pick for tonight. So, who's giving the orders?