Praise Kink: Tell Me I'm Good and Watch What Happens

You could be running a business, managing a whole crew of tradies and still be the toughest person you know. But then someone with their hand in your hair says "good girl" or "good boy", or just "you're doing so well", and suddenly, your knees have gone and your whole brain's turned to custard.

That's a praise kink. It's one of the most common kinks around, it costs nothing, and you don't need to own a single piece of leather.

What is a praise kink?

It simply means that being told you're good, doing well, gorgeous or that you're pleasing someone turns you on, often much more than you'd expect. It can be a little warm flush, or it can be the thing that gets you off. Some people are into it as part of a dominant and submissive dynamic, and some just like being told they're doing a great job while their partner's going down on them. Both are valid.

Why does it work so bloody well?

When you're turned on and vulnerable, being praised hits hard. Most of us spend our lives trying to do a good job and rarely hearing about it. Getting that approval from someone at a moment when you're naked, open and working for it can be overwhelming. It also shuts down the voice in your head that wonders if you look weird, if it's taking too long, or if you're doing it right. Someone's told you that you are. You can stop worrying now.

Being the one who gives the praise is its own thrill, too. You can watch what a few words do to someone. That's quite a lot of power, and it's great fun.

What to say

Good praise is specific and sincere, and it's said in a low voice. Here's where to start:

• "Good girl." "Good boy." "Good." Try what fits. Those words are loaded, so ask first which ones work.
• "You're doing so well."
• "You look so beautiful like that."
• "That's it. Just like that. You take it so well."
• "I'm so proud of you."
• "You feel incredible."
• "Look at you. Look what you do to me."
• "You've been so good for me."

The trick is to say it right as they're doing something. Praise while they're on their knees, or holding still when they were told to, or right at the edge of coming. Then watch what happens. And use their name. It makes it very personal. If you're nervous about talking at all, our dirty talk guide will get you started.

How to ask for it

This is the hard part, since it can feel a bit embarrassing to ask to be told you're good. Just try saying, "It really turns me on when you tell me I'm doing a good job." Or you can start with your partner. Tell them "good" when they do something you like, and see if you get a reaction. Our yes, no, maybe list can help too.

There's a caution on words. "Good girl" gets a huge response from some people, and for others it's a real turn-off. Some don't like the gendered part, some have a history with it. Some people prefer "good", "gorgeous", "beautiful" or nothing that sounds like a pet. Ask, and go with what they tell you. Our guide to pet names also has some thoughts.

Turn it up with a game

Praise really takes off when there's something to earn. Try these.

• Hold still. They've got to stay still while you touch them. Every time they manage it, tell them how good they are. Every time they don't, you stop.
• Tell me how it feels. They've got to describe what you're doing. Praise them for being honest.
• Don't come yet. Combine it with edging. "You're doing so well. Not yet. Good. Now you can." It's devastating.
• Add a blindfold. With no sight, the voice is all they've got. The Sportsheets Twilight Tease blindfold gives you complete darkness and a comfy fit, and it makes every word land harder.

A bit more kit, if you want it

Add some gear to make it feel like a real scene. A pair of soft cuffs like the Sportsheets Midnight Muse gives them something to behave for. Our restraints guide shows how to use them. Remote-control toys are another good option, since you can reward good behaviour with one press of a button, from anywhere in the house. Nothing says "good job" quite like a bit of vibration.

Its evil twin

Praise and degradation sit at opposite ends of the same dial, and plenty of people love both. You can use "you're such a good little slut" if you've agreed on that, and it might be the best sentence they've ever heard. Then again, it might not be. Have the conversation first.

After all that, remember to keep the praise going when it's over. Tell them how great they were. They were. See? It's working already.