Yes, No, Maybe: Find Out What You Both Fancy
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You can share a bed for years and still have a conversation that starts, “Hang on. You're into that too?” Quite a discovery, considering how thoroughly you've already discussed what to have for dinner.
A yes, no, maybe list gives you both something specific to react to. A toy, an outfit, a bit of roleplay, more of something you already enjoy. The point is finding an idea you both fancy, not producing the most adventurous answers in the postcode.
Make your own choices before comparing
Start with a short list and each mark it privately. Ten ideas is plenty for a first go. You can jot them down on paper or in separate notes on your phones. Keeping the first answers separate makes it easier to notice what you want before you're busy wondering what they want.
Use three simple meanings:
- Yes: I'd like to talk about trying this.
- No: Leave this one off our plans.
- Maybe: There's something I need to understand, change or think about.
A yes is interest, not permission for later. Either of you can change your answer. Now that the small print is sorted, get to the interesting bit.
Put actual ideas on the list
“Be more adventurous” is so vague it could mean buying a blindfold or finally changing the sheets to a different colour. Give each other something you can picture. Here are ten starting points to borrow or replace:
- Choosing a new toy together.
- Showing a partner a toy you already enjoy.
- Wearing lingerie you've picked for yourself.
- Choosing an outfit for each other, with the wearer having final say.
- Trying a blindfold.
- Talking about whether cuffs appeal to either of you.
- Playing a bedroom card game.
- Trying an adult roleplay idea you both like.
- Saying more about what you enjoy during sex.
- Making time for a massage without deciding what follows.
Add a note beside anything that needs one. Giving and receiving can get different answers. So can choosing an outfit and having one chosen for you. The useful detail is often hiding behind the apparently simple yes.
Two yeses? Find out what you're both imagining
Start with an overlap. Ask, “Which part of that do you like?” It's a more interesting question than immediately trying to organise the entire evening.
Take lingerie. One person might picture surprising their partner in something new. The other might want the fun of browsing together first. Both have said yes, but there's another good conversation sitting inside the answer.
Or suppose you both choose a toy. Do you want to bring a familiar favourite into shared time, or choose something neither of you has tried? Our couples' toy guide helps with that next decision. You don't have to start by buying the most complicated thing with a remote.
A maybe needs a question, not a sales pitch
Try, “What's the bit you're unsure about?” Then listen to the answer rather than preparing your case.
“I like dressing up, but I don't want to act out a whole scene” gives you something useful. Perhaps the outfit is the appealing part and the performance isn't. Our roleplay guide keeps those choices manageable.
“I'm curious about a blindfold, but I don't want cuffs as well” is another clear distinction. One accessory doesn't have to arrive with three uninvited friends. You can discuss that smaller idea, or leave the whole thing for another time.
Sometimes maybe simply means they don't know yet. Let it stay there. You haven't found a puzzle that needs to be solved before bed.
Different answers don't ruin the game
If one answer is no, leave that idea out. No sulking, bargaining or bringing it back disguised as a slightly different question.
Move to something you both like. Your list might reveal that the easy overlap is a card game rather than the elaborate plan one of you had in mind. That can still be a very good night. Our adult games collection is worth a look if you both enjoy having questions and challenges to react to.
Keep the number of yeses out of it. This is a conversation with someone you fancy, not a kinky loyalty scheme where enough ticks earn you a free toaster.
Choose one thing to look forward to
Once you've found an overlap, decide what happens next. That might be browsing together, setting aside an evening or talking a little more. “Let's pick a game on Friday” is enough of a plan. You don't need a spreadsheet with a tab called Deliverables.
Keep each other's answers private and revisit them when you both feel like it. Tastes change, and a list from six months ago doesn't get to argue with the person sitting in front of you.
The best result isn't finishing the whole list. It's discovering something about each other that makes you want to keep talking.
Keep the conversation going
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