Beach Sex in Australia: Sand, Sunburn and the Law

It looks great in the movies: two people, a deserted beach, the waves rolling in, and a sunset for good measure. You'll notice they never show the next morning, when one of them's got sand in places sand was never meant to go, and a very sunburnt arse. They also don't show a ranger with a torch.

So here's the truth about beach sex in Australia, from the legal side and the sandy side.

Is it actually illegal?

Yep. If anyone can see you from a public place, you're risking a charge, and a beach is a public place, however empty it looks. Each state's got its own version, like "obscene exposure" in New South Wales and "wilful exposure" in Queensland. A fine's the most likely outcome, but it can get much more serious if someone's seen you who didn't want to. So you know the rules, and you're an adult. If you're going to do it anyway, the plan's simple: don't get caught. This is general information, not legal advice, and if you do get charged, call a lawyer or Legal Aid.

How not to get sprung

• Go late, and go on a weeknight. After dark, in the off-season, a long way down from the car park. Sunset looks great, but that's when everyone else turns up with their dog.
• Walk further than you think. Most people never go more than ten minutes from the car park. Dunes block the view and the wind, but stay off the fragile bits, and watch out for fishers, who appear from nowhere at all hours.
• Leave your togs on. A bikini bottom can be moved aside, and boardies have a very handy leg. If someone's coming, you're just two people having a cuddle.
• Keep your eyes open. One of you should always be facing the beach. It's a great excuse for going on top.
• If there's anyone around, it's off. Nobody came down to the beach to see this. Wait, or go somewhere else.
• Never in the car while it's moving. You can kill someone. Park it first.

The sand problem

So you've found your spot. Now for the real enemy, and it isn't the ranger.

• Sand gets everywhere. In a vagina, on a condom or on a cock, it works like very fine sandpaper. That can cause tiny tears, which hurt, and they make you more vulnerable to infection.
• Sand ruins condoms. Friction from grit can cause them to break. So can the sun, so don't keep them in your beach bag. Our storage guide explains why.
• A towel won't save you. It's going to move, and you'll end up on the sand anyway. Use a big, thick blanket or a mat, with a second towel on top.

Sex in the ocean

You'd think water would solve everything. It doesn't. Salt water washes away your natural lubrication, and it's hard work. It can sting, and it can raise your risk of irritation and infection. Condoms may slip off or get damaged. And you've got rips, currents, jellyfish and that big grey thing that's just gone past. If you try anyway, use silicone lube, which stays on in the water, and stick to the shallows. Our guide to pool and spa sex goes into all of that.

Sunburn and other hazards

Parts of you have never seen the sun, and they aren't ready. Slip, slop, slap gets interesting at this point, except that sunscreen and condoms don't mix. Oil-based sunscreens and tanning oils can damage latex, and most of them will burn like hell if they get near your bits. Go at dusk, when it's safer in every way. While we're at it, Queensland's stingers and crocs are not a turn-on. Check the signs.

The no-risk version

Want the waves, the salt on your skin and the warm air, without the sand? Try this:

• Book a beach house or a cabin with a private deck, and make sure that the deck's really private. Check sight lines from the beach and next door before you get your kit off.
• Do it in a hotel room with the balcony door open and the curtains closed. All the sound, no ranger. Our hotel guide has more ideas.
• Go to the beach, then go home. Salty, sun-warm and horny, and you've got a shower, a bed and a door that locks. A quick wash first is a good idea. It's honestly better than the sand.
• Roleplay it. Put on an ocean-sounds playlist, a bit of coconut lube and a towel on the floor, and away you go. Our playlist guide has some warnings.

Love being watched? You're not alone, and our guide to exhibitionism tells you how to enjoy it with people who've agreed to watch. Nude beaches are also legal in some places, but they're for being naked, not for having sex, and regulars take a very dim view of anyone who gets the two mixed up.

What to pack

A huge blanket, a bottle of water for rinsing, silicone lube and condoms kept out of the sun. The Maia Kona is a waterproof little pineapple-print bullet that can spend an afternoon in your beach bag without anyone asking questions. Just keep it out of the sand, as grit and silicone don't get along.

And take your rubbish with you. Nothing gets you caught after the fact like a used condom on the sand, and nobody wants to find that on their morning walk.