Sexual Fantasies: You Can Get Off on the Idea and Leave It Right There

In your head, you're being picked up in a gorgeous hotel bar. A stranger's hand is on your back, there's a room key on the table, and you've never done anything like this before. In real life, you're waiting for the kettle, and the cat's just been sick.

A sexual fantasy can be something you love thinking about without ever wanting to do it. Being told what to do, being watched, being taken by two people at once: all of it can get you off beautifully, and it never has to leave your head. A dirty thought can do a perfectly good job right where it is. It doesn't need a date, a budget or a babysitter.

Notice which bit gets you going

Take the hotel bar. Is it the place that does it, or being noticed by someone who isn't about to ask whether you've paid the rego? The same goes for kinkier ideas. You might love imagining a partner being bossy, choosing your outfit or making you wait.

If you're curious about trying it, start with that bit. "I love it when you get a bit bossy" is much easier to act on than a whole script. If you're just enjoying the thought, leave it alone. A good daydream doesn't need a project plan.

Real people don't follow the script

Imaginary people know exactly what to say. They turn up when you want them, wear the right thing and never sprain anything. Real people have their own wants, nerves and reasons to say no. Add travel, money and extra people, and it gets complicated. You can love the thought of a very adventurous night and still think, "Nah, I couldn't be arsed with that in real life."

Telling your partner

You mention a fantasy. Your partner looks interested, then starts talking about what you'd need to buy. Hang on. A simple "I love thinking about this, but I don't want to do it" clears that up. Pick a moment when you're both up for a flirty chat, or use it as dirty talk, whispering it to them while you're in the middle of something. Our dirty talk guide can help.

You can also keep it to yourself. You don't owe anyone a list of every filthy thought you've ever had.

Listen before you make plans

If your partner tells you something new, let them finish. Ask if they like imagining it or want to talk about trying it. Be kind, even if it's not your thing, and keep it between you. Their fantasy isn't a funny story for your friends after a few drinks. Being trusted with it's a very big deal.

Try one small part

Perhaps you both like the idea of meeting as strangers. You could flirt over a drink without anything else having to happen. Our couples roleplay guide keeps that simple. Or take one piece of it, like a lace blindfold, and see what your imagination does with it. Agree on what you're trying, and either of you can stop.

You don't have to turn it into anything

Maybe you talk about it and enjoy that. Maybe you try a small part and decide you prefer the version in your head. Let a thought stay a thought. The hotel bar can wait. Your tea's ready, and nobody's paid for parking.