Sexual Fantasies: You Can Enjoy the Idea and Leave It There

In your head, you're being chatted up in a gorgeous hotel bar. In real life, you're waiting for the kettle and wearing a T-shirt with toothpaste on it. Your imagination has made much better plans for the evening.

A sexual fantasy can be something you enjoy thinking about without wanting to do it. Being told what to do, dressing up or getting a stranger's full attention might sound interesting in your head. That doesn't mean you're asking anyone to arrange it.

Sometimes a dirty thought is doing a perfectly good job where it is. You don't have to give it a date, a budget and a fucking group chat.

Notice which bit you actually fancy

Take the hotel bar. Is the exciting bit the place, or being noticed by someone who isn't about to ask whether you've put the bins out? You might be more interested in the flirting than the hotel.

The same goes for a kinkier idea. You may like imagining a partner being bossy, choosing your outfit or giving you their full attention. You don't have to want every other part of the scene to enjoy that one detail.

If you're curious about trying the fantasy, start with the bit you want. “I like it when you're a bit bossy” tells a partner more than a long story where you're not sure which part matters.

If you're just enjoying the thought, leave it alone. A pleasant daydream doesn't need you to sit down afterwards and explain yourself.

Real people don't follow the script in your head

Imaginary people know exactly what to say. They turn up when you want them, wear the right thing and never spend half the evening looking for their glasses.

Real people have their own wants, nerves and reasons to say no. Add travel, time, money or extra people, and acting out the fantasy might stop sounding appealing. That's useful to notice before you make plans.

You can enjoy imagining a more adventurous situation and still think, “Nah, I couldn't be arsed with that in real life.” You don't have to fancy organising it just because you enjoy the idea.

Keeping it imaginary isn't a lesser choice. It might be exactly why you enjoy it.

Tell your partner if you're sharing or suggesting

You mention a fantasy. Your partner looks interested, then starts talking about what you'd need to buy. Hang on, keen bean. You were sharing a thought, not placing an order.

A simple “I like thinking about this, but I don't want to do it” clears that up. If you are interested in trying something, say which part. Being curious about a little roleplay doesn't mean you've agreed to a whole weekend of it.

Choose a moment when you're both up for a flirty chat. You don't need candles and a prepared speech. You probably do need to wait until your partner has finished answering a work email.

You can also keep the fantasy to yourself. You don't owe anyone a list of every dirty thought you've ever had.

Listen before you start making plans

If your partner tells you something new, let them finish. You might be delighted to discover a kinky side you hadn't heard about. That doesn't mean they want you searching for toys before the conversation is over.

Ask whether they like imagining it or want to talk about trying it. If you're interested too, say so. If you aren't, be kind and clear. You can be glad they told you without agreeing to join in.

Keep it between you. Their private fantasy isn't a funny story for your mates after a few drinks. Being trusted with it is good. Being a dick about it isn't.

You can try one small part

Perhaps you both like the idea of meeting as strangers. You could enjoy some playful flirting over a drink without building a fake identity that needs its own passport.

Our couples roleplay guide helps with keeping that simple. Agree on what you're trying; if either of you says stop, stop. The pretend bit doesn't change that.

If the outfit is what interests you, our lingerie guide can help you choose something you actually want to wear. You might fancy stockings and a different attitude, rather than a costume with seventeen pieces to lose.

Or skip the shopping entirely. Your partner making time to flirt, giving you a direct compliment or taking charge of the date might be the part you wanted. Our long-term flirting guide has ideas that don't require a parcel.

You don't have to turn it into anything

Maybe you talk about the fantasy and enjoy the conversation. Maybe you try a small part and decide you prefer the fantasy. Neither needs to become a serious discussion about whether you're adventurous enough.

Keep the plans clear when another person is involved. Otherwise, let a thought stay a thought. You can like imagining something and leave it there.

The hotel bar can wait. Your tea is ready, nobody has paid for parking and you haven't had to find a clean shirt. For an evening that never happened, it's going rather well.