Want to Try Something New in Bed? Say What You Fancy

You've thought about asking your partner to use a toy with you. Quite a lot, actually. Somehow you've discussed the electricity bill, the neighbour's dog and what to have for dinner instead. None of those subjects got you any closer to being naked with the toy.

Wanting something new in bed is easy enough. Saying it out loud can feel like the bigger adventure. Start with the actual thing you fancy. Your partner has a much better chance of understanding “I'd love to try a blindfold” than “We should be more adventurous”.

Say what you want, not what sex is missing

“I'd love to use a vibrator together” sounds like an invitation. “We never do anything exciting” sounds like the beginning of a shit evening.

Let the idea be something you're keen on. You don't need to make your current sex life sound terrible to justify having another good idea.

Bring it up while you can both talk comfortably, rather than producing cuffs halfway through sex and hoping the surprise does the explaining. The couples' toy guide can help if you want something concrete to look at together.

Say what makes the fantasy hot

Maybe the blindfold is about not knowing where the next touch will land. Maybe the cuffs are about having your partner take charge. Maybe roleplay sounds fun because you want to be flirted with like someone they've just met.

That detail gives your partner something useful to respond to. They might dislike restraints but love being bossy. Or fancy dressing up while having absolutely no interest in putting on an accent.

You can keep the part you both like. Nobody has to buy the costume, learn a character and rearrange the spare room just because you admitted to one horny thought.

A yes can still come with preferences

“I'd try the toy, but I'd like to hold it first” is a yes with useful information attached. So is “The blindfold sounds good, but leave my hands free”.

Choose that smaller, clearer plan and let it be enough. One new thing is easier to enjoy when you aren't also working out three other unfamiliar things.

If it's a no, leave it there. Our sexual fantasies guide explains why enjoying an idea doesn't mean it has to become a shared activity.

Let the first go be a first go

You might laugh. The toy might need repositioning. Someone might deliver a supposedly seductive line that sounds more like they're offering you a lift home.

That's all quite human. Adjust, ask for what feels better and enjoy whatever is actually working. If either of you wants to stop, stop. You're trying something for pleasure, not defending the purchase.

For cuffs and other kinky additions, our guide to trying bondage together keeps that first choice simple.

Keep what you liked

Later, say which part you'd fancy again. “I liked you taking charge” is more useful than a vague report that the evening went well.

You might discover a new favourite. You might decide the fantasy was hotter than the reality. Either way, you've learnt something about the sex you want without turning your bed into a testing centre.

And next time you catch yourself bringing up the electricity bill, remember there was a considerably better subject waiting.