Threesome Etiquette: The Rules That Keep Everyone Coming Back

So you've had the talk. You've read our guide to thinking through a threesome, you've agreed you really want to do this, and there's someone coming over on Saturday. Now you've got a whole new problem: three people, six hands, and no idea who's meant to do what. Don't worry. Here's how to make it fun for everyone, including the person who has to leave afterwards.

Before anyone gets naked

• Everyone gets the same information. Tell your third exactly what's on and off the table. "We don't do penetration with anyone else" or "We'd like to keep kissing just between us" are things they should hear before they've got their pants off.
• Talk about sexual health, all three of you. When were you tested? Are condoms required? Be direct. Here's our guide to testing.
• Set a stop signal. Anyone can stop anything, at any time, without giving a reason. If you've got a safeword, tell everyone. Here's how those work.
• Meet first, with your clothes on. A drink in public tells you if you actually like each other. If anyone's not feeling it, you can all go home.
• Stay reasonably sober. One drink for nerves is fine. Three people drunk is not, because nobody can consent properly.
• Have an exit plan. Does your third stay over or go home? Who's paying for the Uber? Have that sorted beforehand.

The rules of the bed

Nobody gets left out. This is the big one. If you're a couple with a third, look after your third. If you're the couple's partner, look after your partner. It's very easy for one person to end up as a spectator, wondering what to do with their hands. If you see someone drifting, reach for them. A hand on a thigh or a kiss on the neck is all it takes. Everyone should be part of it, or happily watching by choice.

Your third isn't a toy. They're a person, with their own wishes. Ask them what they like. Make sure they're getting off too. Don't treat them as a live-action sex aid. A couple that ignores their third and then asks them to leave isn't going to get a second date, and they'll be known around town for it.

Check in with your eyes. If you're a couple, keep looking at each other. A quick look and a smile says "I'm good, are you good?" It's a very big comfort.

Ask first. "Can I...?" is a very hot thing to say. Keep asking. Don't assume that yes to one thing is yes to all of it.

Don't do the thing you agreed not to do. It doesn't matter how carried away you get. Breaking your agreement in the heat of the moment is how couples end up in couples therapy.

What to actually do

You don't need a diagram, and it's OK if it's a bit clumsy. Everyone's elbows will be in the wrong place, and someone's going to get kneed. Laugh, and carry on.

• Take turns giving one person all the attention. It's an incredible feeling to have four hands and two mouths on you. Then rotate.
• Chain it. One person's going down on someone while someone else goes down on them.
• Watch. Having a rest and watching is perfectly fine. It's often the best part.
• Use a toy to fill the gaps. A wand or a bullet keeps everyone busy, and it stops you running out of hands. The Adam & Eve Her Majesty reaches a long way, and our guide shows you how to use it on someone. Use a condom on any toys you're sharing, and change it between people. Our guide to sharing toys explains why.

Condoms and logistics

Use a new condom for every new person, every single time, and every time you switch holes. Keep a big pile of them within reach, along with lube, towels and water. That means a lot of condoms. You could consider a Four Seasons box of 144, if you're the optimistic type. Keep the lube handy, too, as you won't want to go looking for it. Wicked Simply Natural is safe with condoms.

If something goes wrong

• If someone's got an upset look, stop and check. It doesn't have to be a big deal.
• If an erection goes away, that happens all the time, particularly with an audience. A soft cock can still have a good time. Move on to something else.
• If someone gets jealous, stop. Take a break, and talk about it. Your relationship's more important than finishing.
• If it's not working, call it. It's perfectly fine to have a nice chat, a cup of tea and go home.

The morning after

Be kind. Don't throw your third out as soon as you've finished. Offer them a drink, a shower and some conversation. Check they've got a safe way home. Send a nice text the next day, with no pressure. Keep what happened private, and no photos without everyone's clear consent. If you're a couple, talk to each other that night and over the next few days. What did you love? What felt strange? You can both be a bit tender after something like this, so look after each other.

Do it right, and you'll have a story you can tell each other for years. Do it wrong, and you'll be telling a therapist. It's mostly just a matter of good manners.