Your Partner's Kink Surprised You. Now What?

It came out after a glass of wine. Or at the worst possible time, in the middle of an argument. Or you opened the laptop, and it was all right there. You've just learned that the person you've shared a bed with for nine years wants to be spanked with a wooden spoon, watch you with someone else, or be called something you wouldn't say to your worst enemy. Your first reaction was a very strange look on your face. So now what?

First, breathe

If they've told you, it took guts. They've probably been thinking about it for years, and they've probably rehearsed it. Telling you might be the most vulnerable thing they've ever done. Your face in the next five seconds is going to stay with them for a long time.

You don't need to say yes. You don't need to work it out right now. Try "Thanks for telling me. I'm a bit surprised, and I need a little time to think about it. But I'm glad you did." That buys you a few days, and it doesn't slam a door on anybody. If you laughed, say sorry. Everybody laughs. Just go back and fix it.

What it probably doesn't mean

• It doesn't mean you're not enough. People have fantasies in great sex lives, too. It's not a review.
• It doesn't mean they want to leave. Most of the time, they've told you because they want to explore this with you.
• It doesn't say much about the rest of their life. Someone who wants to be dominated in bed doesn't want to be pushed around at work. Being into humiliation doesn't mean they hate themselves.
• It doesn't mean they'll do it. A fantasy can stay a fantasy. They might not even want it in real life.

Ask some good questions

When you're ready, with your clothes on, get curious. It's a lot more useful than deciding if you approve.

• What is it about this that does it for you?
• How long have you been into it?
• What would you like to do? Are you asking to try it, or just wanting me to know?
• Is it something you need, or would you just enjoy it?
• What does the fantasy look like in your head? What am I doing in it?

You'll probably find that what they want's a lot smaller, and a lot more specific, than what you imagined. "I want to be spanked" is often less about pain, and more about wanting you to take charge for once. And that's something you may well like.

Do some reading, too. It's hard to judge something you've never heard of. We've got guides on dominant and submissive roles, feet, degradation and hotwifing, among others. Those are written for people like you.

Find the bit you can say yes to

It's rarely all or nothing. Think of it as a dial. If they want to be tied up and whipped, you might not be up for whipping, but you could pin their wrists for a minute and see how you both feel. You might be able to talk about it in bed, without doing it. You could say "I can't do that, but I'd try this." Our yes, no, maybe list is perfect for this. Our kink negotiation guide shows you how to discuss the details.

Start small. A $12.95 blindfold is a very low-stakes place to begin, and you might even find you enjoy it. Plenty of partners who started out doing this as a favour discover they've got a real taste for it. It's a very nice surprise for everybody.

You're allowed to say no

You're not a prude if it's not for you. You don't have to do something you find upsetting or disgusting, and you never have to do it to keep someone happy. Say it kindly, and say it about the act, not them. "That's not for me, and I still love you and I don't think you're weird" works well. Then you should talk about what comes next. Could they enjoy it in fantasy, in porn or in some other way that's OK with you?

If this is a real deal-breaker for one of you, it's worth getting some help. A kink-friendly sex therapist can help you both work through it.

When you should be worried

A kink between consenting adults isn't a problem, but some things are. Take it seriously if your partner is pressuring you, threatening you, or says you owe them this. The same goes if they've been doing something behind your back that involves other people who haven't agreed, or anyone who can't consent. If you feel unsafe, you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. If you've found something illegal, please get advice.

If you found out by accident

You've stumbled on a browser tab, and now you've got a secret. Try not to confront them in a fight. Pick a calm moment, and say what you saw, without accusing them. "I saw something on the laptop, and I'm not angry. I'd like to understand it." You might be starting the most honest conversation of your relationship. And who knows? It might just be the best thing that's happened to your sex life in years. You'll need a wooden spoon, though. They're in the second drawer.