Hotwifing and Cuckolding: How Couples Actually Do It

The idea of your partner being fucked by somebody else might sound like the worst thing you could imagine. For a lot of people, it's also the thing they think about in the shower. In fact, it's one of the most common fantasies around, particularly among men. Picturing someone you love being wanted, and being desired so badly by another person, and then coming home to tell you about it, can be astonishingly hot.

Some couples leave that as a fantasy. Others go and do something about it. Here's how that actually works.

Hotwifing vs cuckolding: what's the difference?

They're similar, and people often mix them up. The basic difference is in the emotional tone.

• Hotwifing is usually about pride. She's having a great time, her partner gets off on knowing she's desired, and he's proud of it. He might watch or he might hear about it later. It's a celebration, and often a turn-on for everyone.
• Cuckolding usually has a power dynamic, and often includes humiliation that everyone's agreed to. The cuckold enjoys feeling "lesser" or being denied, with teasing and rules on top. It's a form of D/s, and our degradation guide is relevant here.

Those names aren't only for straight couples, and they don't have to be about a wife. Gay couples, women with a female partner and people of all genders enjoy versions of this. "Stag and vixen" is another term you'll hear. And unlike swinging, only one partner is usually playing.

Start with the fantasy, and stay there a while

Before anyone's downloading an app, try it as dirty talk. Whisper a story while you're in bed. "Imagine if he was here. What would you want him to do to you?" If it makes you both come your brains out, that's useful information. Then ask each other: is this something you want in real life, or is it just a very good story? Plenty of fantasies are better left in your head, and it's no failure to stop here.

It also needs to be something that both of you actually want. If one of you is pushing, and the other's going along to keep them happy, stop right now. It's probably the most common way this goes wrong.

The conversations you need to have

Talk about these sober, with your clothes on, and be honest.

• Why do we each want this? It's a big red flag if it's meant to fix a problem. Solid relationships usually handle this better than shaky ones.
• Who, and how do we find them? Strangers or friends? Never anyone you have to see at work. Friends-of-friends can be a very messy option.
• What's on the table? Kissing, oral, full sex, overnight stays? Some people find kissing the most intimate part of all.
• Is your partner there? Will they watch, wait at home or get the details by text? Do you want photos? That's a big trust issue, so see our guide to sending nudes.
• What if somebody catches feelings? What happens if someone asks to stop?
• Who's in charge of the veto? Agree that either of you can call it off at any time, without any argument.
• What about the third person? They're a real person, not a prop. They deserve honesty and clear boundaries too. Our threesome guide covers that well.

Sexual health

This is the part you can't skip. Agree on your rules for condoms beforehand, and stick to them. Everybody gets tested first, including the third, and test again afterwards. Our STI testing guide explains how. If condoms are off the table, talk about the risks properly, including PrEP and contraception. Bring plenty of condoms, and a lube that goes with them. Wicked Simply Natural is a water-based option that's safe for all condoms, and a good fit matters too.

Jealousy's going to show up

It's a sure bet, even if you want this. And for some, that burn is the whole turn-on. But there's a difference between delicious jealousy that makes you hard, and the kind that makes you feel sick and lonely. If you get the second kind, stop, and talk. That doesn't mean you've failed. Many couples find the fantasy doesn't feel the same in real life, and that's what they needed to find out.

Don't forget the reunion

This is often the most intense part. The person who's been out comes home and tells the story, and you have the wildest, most connected sex of your lives. Plan for it. Be together afterwards. Reassure each other. Tell them what you loved. Aftercare isn't just for whips. Keep checking in over the days after, because feelings can arrive late.

And you might decide to never do it again, or you might book in for next month. Either way, you've found out something you didn't know about each other. That's about as intimate as it gets.