Opening Up Your Relationship Without Blowing It Up

You've been lying in bed, thinking about it for months. You love your partner. You don't want to leave. But you've started wondering if one person really has to be everything, for the rest of your life. Or perhaps they're the one who brought it up, and your stomach dropped through the floor. Opening up a relationship can be one of the most exciting things you ever do. It can also end in tears and a very awkward group chat. The difference usually comes down to how you go about it.

First: what are you actually asking for?

"Open" can mean many things, so get specific.

• Monogamish: You're mostly monogamous, with the odd exception.
• Swinging: Having sexual experiences with others, usually together. Our swingers guide explains.
• Threesomes: Bringing somebody in together. Our etiquette guide has the rules.
• Open relationship: You can each have sex with other people, with whatever rules you've agreed.
• Hotwifing or cuckolding: One partner plays, and the other enjoys that. Our guide covers this.
• Polyamory: Having multiple loving relationships, with everyone knowing.

Why are you doing this?

This question matters more than any other. "I'm curious, things are good and I'd like more adventure" is a great reason. "We never have sex, and I'm miserable, and this might fix it" is a terrible one. Opening up doesn't tend to fix a broken relationship. It usually just breaks it faster and with more people involved. If you're using this as a soft way to leave, or if you've already started, be honest with yourself. If you've already been cheating, tell them that first. It's a very different conversation, and our guide to sex after an affair might help.

How to bring it up

Don't do it during a fight, or in bed, or just after you've met somebody you like. Choose a calm moment, and be ready for it to take many conversations. It could go something like this:

"I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. I've been thinking about non-monogamy, and I'd like to talk about it. You can say no. You don't have to answer today."

Give them time. If you've been thinking about it for a year, they've only just heard about it, so they aren't going to catch up in an evening. They may be hurt. They might wonder if they aren't enough. Reassure them, and mean it. A no should be a real no, and it's fair that you might want different things in the end. Nobody should ever be pressured into this by "if you loved me, you would".

Ground rules to agree on

• Who's off limits? Friends, exes, colleagues?
• Do you want to know the details, or nothing at all?
• Can you sleep over? Use your own bed?
• What about feelings? What happens if somebody falls for somebody else?
• Who needs to know? Your mum doesn't, and here's a guide on private and secret.
• Can either of you ask to pause, or close it again? (You should be able to.)
• How's it going to work with your time and money?

Write it down, and review it after a month. You won't get it right the first time, and the rules will change as you learn. Our negotiation guide has some useful questions. Be kind to the other people, too. They aren't accessories, and they've got feelings. Tell them what the deal is before anything happens.

Sexual health

You've got to take this seriously. It's no longer just about you. Agree on your condom rules, and stick with them. Get tested regularly, and share your results with each other. Ask about PrEP if it applies. Keep a good supply of condoms that fit, and a compatible lube. Our condom size guide is useful here, and Wicked Simply Natural works with all of them.

Jealousy's coming

It's normal, it's not a sign of failure, and it might show up in a way that you don't expect. Maybe your partner's having a great time, and you've had three bad dates. Maybe it's not the sex that gets you, but seeing them laugh with somebody else. When it happens, slow down and work out what's under it. Are you afraid of being replaced? Do you need more time together? Tell your partner what you need. "I'm feeling jealous, and I just need a cuddle" is a good sentence. Some people even feel a warm glow of happiness when they see their partner's happy, and that's known as "compersion".

Look after your main relationship

New people are exciting. The new relationship energy's a hell of a drug, and it can make your partner seem a bit dull by comparison. So keep your date nights, and don't compare. Our date night guide has some ideas. Check in once a week. Many people find that it adds a real spark to their sex at home, so make the most of it.

Get help if you need it

A sex therapist or counsellor who understands non-monogamy can be a great help. Ask if they've got experience with it, as not all do. And if you've tried it and don't like it, you're allowed to close the relationship again. Lots of couples do. Finding out what you don't want is also a very good outcome. Good luck, and be kind to each other out there.