Sex After Trauma: Going at Your Own Pace

If you've experienced sexual assault, abuse or another trauma, sex can feel very complicated. You might avoid it completely. You may want it and then find you're suddenly not there. You might have a lot of sex, and not really know how you feel about it. You might feel fine for years, then have something bring it back. All of that's normal. There's no right way to feel, and there's no deadline for getting anywhere. What happened to you was not your fault.

If reading this brings up difficult feelings, please take a break. You can talk to someone at 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, 24 hours a day. If you're in danger, call 000.

Why your body might react this way

Trauma affects your nervous system. Your body has learned to protect you, and it might try to do that even when you're safe and with someone you trust. You might notice:

• Flashbacks or sudden fear during sex
• Feeling numb, or as if you've floated out of your body
• Your muscles tightening up, or pain during sex. Our guide to painful sex has more information.
• Not wanting to be touched in certain places, or certain ways
• A smell, a sound or a position that brings it all back
• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or disgusted, even when you wanted to have sex
• Having sex when you don't really want to, as it feels easier than saying no
• Having no interest at all, or finding that sex feels like a way to feel something

Those aren't failings. They're your body's way of trying to keep you safe. If your body responded during the assault, by getting wet, hard or coming, that doesn't mean you wanted it. It's a physical reflex, and arousal isn't consent.

You're in charge

You get to decide if, when and how you have sex. You don't owe it to anyone, including a loving partner or a spouse. You can stop at any time, and you can change your mind, even if you've said yes before. If you don't want to have sex for a long time, or ever again, that's fine as well.

If you want to explore sex again

If and when you're ready, there are some things that many people find useful. Take only what helps.

• Start by yourself, if that feels OK. Your body belongs to you. You might begin with non-sexual touch, such as a warm shower, moisturising your skin or noticing what textures you like. Our guide to a night in with yourself has some ideas that you can adapt. There's no need for it to be sexual, or for it to lead to anything.
• Find out what makes you feel safe. Lights on or off, your clothes on or off, which side of the bed you're on, music playing, the door open or shut. Being able to see the door may help. Choose your positions as well, as you may want to see your partner's face, or be on top.
• Stay present. If you start to feel far away, open your eyes, name five things that you can see, feel your feet, say your partner's name and remember where you are and what today's date is.
• Go very slowly. Take sex off the table for a while, and start with hand-holding or a cuddle. You can stop at any point, and you can go back a step.
• Use a signal. Agree on a word or a gesture that means "stop now". You don't have to explain it. Our guide to stop signals can help with that.
• Know your triggers, if you can. You don't have to explain why. Just "please don't touch my neck" or "I don't like that word" is enough.
• Have a plan for afterwards. You might want to be held, or to be alone, or to have a cup of tea. Some people feel sad or shaky after sex, even when it was good. Our guide to aftercare isn't just for kink.

Is kink OK?

Some survivors find that consensual kink gives them a powerful sense of control, and others want nothing to do with it. Both are OK. If you're interested, take it slowly, with someone who respects your limits, and consider talking to a kink-aware therapist. Liking something that seems related to what happened doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

For partners

If your partner's a survivor, here's the most useful thing you can do: believe them, follow their lead and never take it personally.

• Don't push for details. Let them tell you what they want to, when they're ready.
• Always ask first. "Is this OK?" and "Do you want me to stop?" are helpful questions, and you should be ready to accept any answer.
• If they get upset or freeze, stop. Ask what they need. Don't touch them unless they say so. Don't ask why. Stay calm, and stay close if they want that.
• Don't treat them as if they're broken. They're still the person you love.
• Get some support of your own. 1800RESPECT supports partners and family members too.

Getting support

You don't have to do this alone. Trauma-informed counselling can be very helpful, and there are good treatments available. You can talk to someone even if it happened a long time ago, or if you've never told anyone.

• 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Free and confidential.
• Your state's sexual assault service. They offer free counselling, and they can arrange medical care.
• Blue Knot Foundation: 1300 657 380, for adult survivors of childhood trauma.
• Lifeline: 13 11 14, 24 hours a day, if you're in crisis.
• Your GP can arrange a mental health plan, with Medicare rebates for psychology sessions.
• A sex therapist with experience in trauma can help when you're ready.
• Pelvic health physiotherapists can help if pain's part of it. Our guide explains how. You can ask for a trauma-informed practitioner.

Healing isn't a straight line, and there may be good days and bad days. Whatever you're feeling is OK. You deserve safety, care and, if you want it, pleasure on your own terms. Take all the time you need.