How to Have the Best Night In With Yourself

If you had a hot date coming over tonight, you'd wash the sheets. You'd shave something. You'd put on some decent music, light a candle and make something other than two-minute noodles. And yet when you've got a night by yourself, you get a three-minute wank between episodes, in the same shirt you wore to work. Your own body deserves at least as much effort as somebody you met on an app.

So tonight, you're taking yourself out. Well, in. Here's how to do it properly.

Book it in

Pick a night. Put it in your phone. Tell the flatmates you're busy, and turn off your work email. If you've got a partner, send them out to the pub. Better yet, tell them what you're doing. They'll spend the whole night thinking about it, and you'll get plenty of mileage from that when they get home.

Set the scene like you're trying to impress someone

• Clean sheets. It's astonishing what they can do for you. Put a towel down, too. You're not an amateur.
• Kill the big light. Candles, a lamp or some fairy lights.
• Music. Make a playlist that's sexy, and doesn't have any surprises. Our sex playlist guide can help with that.
• Food and a drink. Have dinner, but keep it light. A glass of something's fine. A bottle isn't, since it dulls everything.
• Put your phone in another room. The group chat can wait.

Start with your body, not your genitals

Have a long shower or bath first. Take your time. Wash your hair, and shave or don't. Then, while you're warm, spend some time rubbing good oil or moisturiser over your whole body. Wear something that makes you feel great, whether that's a silk robe, your good lingerie or nothing at all. You can even get dressed up just to take it off. Our lingerie guide is for you as well, not only for someone else's benefit. Blokes, that goes for you too, and our guide to men's lingerie might surprise you.

A massage candle is a very nice touch. Pour it on your own thighs, and use both hands. Nobody's in a rush here.

Get your head in the game

Most people need a bit of warming up in the brain, too. Read something filthy, and here's our reading list. Try audio erotica, or a good memory. Find some porn that's worth watching, if that's your thing. Take your time getting horny, and don't touch anything for a while. Tease yourself, the way you'd tease somebody else.

Try something new

This is the perfect night to open that toy you've been saving, or to buy one in the first place. You've got nobody to worry about, and all the time in the world to find out how it works.

• Something for your clit: The Satisfyer Pro 2+ combines air pulses with vibration, and it's only $41.95.
• Something for your whole body: A wand on your thighs, hips, back and everywhere else. The Adam & Eve Her Majesty is rumbly and generous about it.
• Something for your cock: The Satisfyer Men Vibration, with plenty of lube.
• Something you've been curious about: Tonight's the night to try prostate play, or a small plug, or just about anything else you've been wondering about.

Take your time

Set a timer for 30 minutes, and don't let yourself finish until it goes off. Stop when you get close. Change what you're doing. Move to a different position, or room. Try edging, and make some noise, since no one's home. Our guide to a better wank has 20 more ideas. And when you finally do come, you might discover that you're a bit louder than you remember.

Do the aftercare

Don't jump straight back on your phone. Stay in bed for a bit. Have some water and something nice to eat. Lie there and feel smug. Clean your toys properly, too, as our guide explains, and put them away. Then sleep like the dead, on your clean sheets, with nobody stealing the doona.

And if nothing happens and you end up just having a really nice bath, that's fine too. It's your date. You get to decide how it went, and you did very well.