How to Make Noise in Bed Without Feeling Like a Dickhead

You've got one of two problems. Either you're as silent as a monk in bed, because the first time you tried moaning, it came out like a cow getting stuck in a gate. Or you've somehow been making the same polite little "mm" sound for 11 years, and you're starting to suspect that your partner's wondering whether you're enjoying this or doing a crossword.

Here's how to find your voice, and why it's worth doing.

Why bother?

• It's great feedback. Your partner can't read your mind. A sharp breath or a groan at the right moment tells them exactly what's working, with no diagrams.
• It's a massive turn-on. Most people love hearing that they're driving someone mad. It's about the best compliment you can get.
• It helps you feel it more. Breathing out and letting go can release tension from your body. Many people who hold their breath and stay silent find that it's harder to come. Open your mouth and your whole body starts to loosen up.

Start with breathing

You don't have to go straight to the full opera. Start by simply breathing out loud. Let your breath get louder as you get more turned on. Now let a bit of voice come out with it. That's a moan. You've done it. It's that easy, and you can do it with your face in someone's neck, where nobody can see you blush.

Practise when you're alone

This sounds daft, and it works. When you're masturbating and no one's home, try making noise. See what comes out naturally. Try saying your own name, swearing a lot or just going "oh, fuck" a few times. It's a lot easier to do this with a partner if your own bedroom has already heard it. A good clit toy or stroker gives you plenty to get vocal about.

Don't try to sound like porn

You've heard it. Those high-pitched, constant, slightly alarmed sounds were made for a microphone. Real people grunt, swear, gasp, laugh and go quiet. They make noises that sound like they're lifting a couch. All of that's hot, as it's real. Don't perform. Just stop swallowing what's already there.

It's different for everyone, too. Going silent at the moment you come is completely normal, as is yelling. Let it be whatever it is.

Add a few words

When you're ready, try a word. Any word. "Yes" is an excellent choice. "There." "Fuck." "More." "Don't stop." You don't need a monologue. Our Dirty Talk Line of the Week gives you an easy one to start, and our dirty talk guide has plenty more when you're ready.

Tell your partner it's a project

Saying "I'd like to be noisier, but I feel weird" takes all the pressure off. They'll almost certainly be thrilled. They can help you, too. "I love hearing you. Let me hear it." is a very hot thing to be told. And if you're the partner of a quiet person, tell them that you like it when they make noise, and react when they do. Don't mock it. Not even a little. If you've got someone who laughs at your sex noises in a mean way, the problem isn't your noises.

What about the walls?

Most of us aren't in a soundproof room. Flatmates, rellies staying over and thin walls are real issues.

• Put on some music. Our sex playlist guide has a few warnings.
• Use your partner's body. Moan into their neck or shoulder, or into a pillow.
• Save the loud stuff for when you have the house to yourselves, or a hotel room.
• Make it a game. Having to stay silent, with someone's hand over your mouth, by agreement, can be incredibly hot in its own right.

If you still can't do it

You don't have to be loud. Some people are just quiet, and they're having a great time. If your partner knows that you're enjoying it, you're fine. Squeeze their hand, pull them closer or dig your nails in. But if something's stopping you, like shame about sex, or a past partner who made fun of you, that's something you can work on. Sex therapy can help with that too.

Next time, try one breath out loud. See what happens. The worst-case scenario is that you sound like a cow stuck in a gate, and your partner laughs, and then you both keep going.