Sex and Anxiety: Getting Out of Your Head

Your partner's kissing your neck, and you're watching yourself from somewhere near the ceiling. Do I look OK from this angle? Am I taking too long? Am I hard enough? Are they bored? Did I remember to pay the gas bill? You're not having sex at this point. You're running a very stressful commentary on someone who looks a lot like you. If this is you, you're not alone. Anxiety's very common during sex, and there's plenty that can help.

Why anxiety gets in the way

Arousal and anxiety don't get along. To get turned on, your body needs to be relaxed. Anxiety does the opposite, flooding you with stress hormones and getting you ready to run away. That's useful if there's a tiger, but it's not much use in bed. This is why you might find:

• You can't get or keep an erection. Our erection guide has more.
• You don't get wet, even though you want to. Our dryness guide can help.
• You come very quickly, or you can't come at all.
• Your muscles tighten up, and sex hurts. Our guide to painful sex explains why.
• You avoid sex altogether, because it's easier than worrying about it.

Then there's the trap. One bad experience makes you nervous about the next one, and that makes it more likely to happen again, which makes you more nervous. It has nothing to do with how much you want your partner.

Get back into your body

You can't just stop thinking. Telling yourself to relax is about as useful as someone telling you to calm down. But you can move your attention somewhere else.

• Breathe out, slowly. Longer exhales tell your nervous system that you're safe. Try breathing in for four, and out for six, while your partner's doing something nice.
• Pick one sensation. The warmth of their hand. The weight of them. Where exactly are they touching you? When your mind wanders, and it will, gently come back. It's a bit like meditation, with better outcomes.
• Use your senses. Music, a smell you like or a blanket with a good texture can give your mind something else to do.
• Make a noise. Letting your breath go loudly, or making some noise, can help you stop holding your whole body tight.
• Change the setting. Lower the lights, and turn off the big light. Lock the door, if that helps.

Take the goal away

Performance anxiety's all about the outcome: having an erection, coming, making them come. So get rid of the outcome. Agree with your partner that tonight nothing has to happen. No penetration, no orgasms and no expectations. Just touching, and seeing what feels good. Sex therapists call this sensate focus, and it's one of the most effective tools there is. Our guide to orgasm pressure explains why it matters so much. Very often, once you stop trying, your body shows up. If it doesn't, you've still had a nice time.

Practise alone first

Spend time getting turned on by yourself, with nobody to worry about. Learn what works, and try slowing right down. It'll help you trust your body. Our guide to a night in with yourself is a good way to start, and this one's got 20 more ideas.

Toys can take the pressure off

A toy can be a big help, because it means nobody's entire night depends on one body part. A small vibrator is reliable, and it gives you something to focus on. The Maia Indi is small and not at all intimidating. A soft blindfold can also be good if you're worried about how you look, as it's a lot easier to stop watching yourself when nobody can see, or when you can't see. Our body confidence guide might help too.

Tell your partner

This can feel like the most frightening part, and it's also the part that helps most. Anxiety loves a secret. If you're quietly worried they've noticed, you've got two problems. Saying "I get nervous and get in my head sometimes. It's not you" takes away a huge amount of the pressure. Then tell them how they can help. Maybe it's reassurance, or a slower start, or not asking "Did you come?" every time. Our communication guide has more ideas. New partners might be especially nerve-racking, so read this about awkward first times.

When to get help

If anxiety's getting in the way of your life and your relationships, or you're avoiding sex altogether, you can get some help. Your GP can talk through options, including a mental health plan for psychology sessions with a Medicare rebate. A sex therapist deals with this every day. If sex has become frightening because of something that happened to you, our guide to sex after trauma might help, and you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. Some anxiety medications can affect your sex life, so tell your doctor if you notice changes. Beyond Blue is on 1300 22 4636, and Lifeline's on 13 11 14.

Be kind to yourself. You're not broken, and you're certainly not the only one lying there thinking about the gas bill. Pay it tomorrow. You're busy.