Vaginal Dryness: Reasons, Fixes and Better Lube

You're into it. You really are. You want them, your head's completely on board, and yet your body hasn't got the memo. It's uncomfortable, it stings a bit, and you've started to wonder what's wrong with you. Here's the good news: nothing. Vaginal dryness is incredibly common, at any age, and being dry doesn't mean you're not turned on. It's usually simple to fix as well.

Getting wet isn't the same as being turned on

This one's important, so let's say it plainly. How wet you are has very little to do with how much you want someone. People can be soaked and not interested, or desperate and bone dry. Your partner should never take your dryness as a sign that you don't want them, and you shouldn't, either. Our guide to arousal and consent goes into why.

Common causes

• Hormones: Lower oestrogen during perimenopause and menopause is one of the biggest causes. It's also common with breastfeeding and after giving birth, and some contraceptives can do it. Our menopause guide has more.
• Medication: Antihistamines, some antidepressants, hormone therapy and some cancer treatments can all be culprits. Our antidepressants guide covers these.
• Not enough time. It can take a while to get going. Your body may just need more foreplay than you're getting.
• Stress and tiredness. Your body can't relax when your mind's racing.
• Irritants: Scented soaps, douches, bubble bath and some laundry powders can all dry out and irritate your vulva. Your vagina cleans itself, so warm water's all you need on the outside.
• Dehydration, smoking and alcohol can all play a part, too.
• Medical conditions: Sjogren's syndrome, diabetes, some skin conditions and infections can cause dryness or pain as well.

Lube vs moisturiser: they're different things

Most people have never been told this, and it can change everything.

Lube is for sex. You put it on right before or during, and it reduces friction. Use it on you, your partner and any toys.

A vaginal moisturiser is for everyday comfort. You use it a few times a week, regardless of whether you're having sex. It helps your tissues hold on to moisture, much as a face cream does for your skin. JO Renew Vaginal Moisturiser is one that's designed for this.

Many people benefit from using both.

Which lube is best?

• Water-based: Easy to clean up, safe with toys and condoms, and it's a good all-rounder. It can dry out, so just add a bit more. Wicked Simply Natural is pH balanced and fragrance free, and it's made for sensitive skin.
• Silicone: Lasts much longer and doesn't get absorbed, so it's excellent if dryness is your main problem. Avoid using it with silicone toys. Wet Stuff Touch is a silky option that's compatible with condoms.
• Hybrid: A mix of the two. Our hybrid lube guide has more on those.

And here's what to avoid if you're prone to dryness or irritation: warming, tingling, flavoured and scented lubes, anything high in glycerin or with parabens, and oils if you're using latex condoms. Oil can also irritate some people's vaginas. Our ingredients guide will help you read the label, and our guide to water-based and silicone lube compares them.

Don't be shy about the amount, either. Most people use far too little. Warm it in your hands first. Make it part of the fun, rather than a medical procedure. Having your partner put it on you can be very hot.

Make time for your body to catch up

Slow down. Spend longer on everything that isn't penetration, and keep going until you actually feel ready, not just when your partner does. Your body may need 20 minutes or more. Our slow tease guide and sensual massage guide have plenty of ideas, and a small vibrator's a great way of getting blood flowing. Regular arousal and orgasms, including with yourself, can help keep the tissues healthy, particularly around menopause.

When to see a doctor

See your GP if lube doesn't help, if sex is painful, or if you've got itching, burning, unusual discharge or bleeding. It could be an infection or a skin condition, and that needs a proper look. If it's due to menopause, vaginal oestrogen can make a big difference. It's a low-dose treatment that you put directly in the vagina, and it's generally considered very safe for most people, including many who can't take other HRT. If you've had a hormone-sensitive cancer, talk to your oncologist first. Your GP can also check if a medication's causing the problem. Please don't stop any medication without asking them first.

Our guide to painful sex has more on other causes, and Jean Hailes for Women's Health has good, reliable information. This is general information, not medical advice.

In short: a bottle of lube costs less than a cheap bottle of wine, and it'll do far more for your night. There's no medal for doing without it.