Coming Too Fast: What Helps and When to See Someone

You've been looking forward to this all week. It's going great. Everything's going great. And then it's over, about two minutes in, and you're apologising to the ceiling. If you've ever wished you could last longer, you've got a great deal of company. It's one of the most common sexual concerns men have, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. There are things that can help.

How long does sex usually last?

Less than you think. Studies have found that the average time from penetration to ejaculation is about five minutes, with a wide range. It doesn't last for 40 minutes, despite what porn would have you believe. Those people have editors. And most people with vulvas don't come from penetration alone anyway, so stretching it out might not make as much of a difference as you'd expect. Our guide to penetration and orgasm explains why.

Doctors usually talk about premature ejaculation when it's happening regularly, within about a minute of penetration, when you can't delay it and when that's causing you distress. But if it's bothering you or your partner, you can do something about it, regardless of what the clock says.

Why does it happen?

It's often a mix. Anxiety, excitement, a new partner or a long gap between sex can all be factors. Some men have always had this, while for others it's a recent change. Stress and relationship issues can play a part, and it's often linked with erection problems, because you're rushing to finish before you lose your erection. Thyroid problems, prostate issues and some medications may also contribute, which is one of the reasons it's worth seeing your GP.

Things to try by yourself

• Learn your "point of no return". When you masturbate, take your time and learn what it feels like just before you're about to come. That's where everything starts.
• Stop-start. Get close, stop completely, wait until the urge passes, then begin again. Do it three or four times, then finish. It's also known as edging, and it's good for you.
• The squeeze. When you're close, you or your partner firmly squeezes the head of the penis, where it meets the shaft, for several seconds, until the urge goes away.
• Exercise your pelvic floor. Those muscles are involved in ejaculation, and training them may help you control it. Squeeze as though you're stopping your pee, hold for a few seconds and relax, a few times a day. A pelvic health physio can make sure that you're doing it properly.
• Breathe. Many men hold their breath as they get close. Slowing it down can help you to relax.
• Don't always rush your wanks. A lot of men train themselves to finish as fast as possible. Practise going slow. Using a stroker can help you learn to handle new sensations. The Missus is a cheap place to start, and our guide to a better wank has other ideas.

All of these take some practice, usually weeks or months, so stick with it. And don't try to fix it by thinking about your tax. It doesn't really work, and you're missing out on the good bit.

Things to try with a partner

• Change your position. Having your partner on top often helps, as you can relax your muscles more. Spooning and slow grinding can also be less intense than thrusting.
• Change your speed. Slow down, or stop and kiss for a while. Grind rather than thrust. It's often hotter anyway.
• Don't stop at your orgasm. If you've come, your partner doesn't have to be finished. You've still got a mouth, two hands and maybe a vibrator. Taking care of them first, or afterwards, takes away most of the pressure. Our oral guide or fingering guide might give you some ideas.
• Bring in a toy. A small vibrator can make sure your partner's having a great time, whatever you're doing. The Fun Factory Speed Date ring gives your partner something extra to enjoy as well.
• Try a condom. Some men find a condom reduces sensation enough to help. Some thicker ones are made for this purpose.
• Have another go. You might last longer the second time, particularly if you're younger. A lot of men masturbate an hour or two beforehand, for the same reason.

What about sprays and creams?

Desensitising products contain a mild local anaesthetic that can reduce sensation. The JO Prolonger Spray is one option. Follow the instructions carefully, and start with a small amount. Be aware that they can transfer to your partner and make them numb too, unless you wash it off or wear a condom, and that you might also lose some of the fun. Test a small area first, in case you react to it. They aren't a medical treatment for any condition, but some men find them handy.

When to see your GP

See your GP if it's been going on for a while, if it's upsetting you, if it's a new change, or if you've got other symptoms such as pain. It's a very common topic for them. They can check for physical causes, and there are medications that can help, including some antidepressants that are prescribed at low doses for this. A sex therapist can also be a big help, especially when anxiety's part of it. Healthy Male (healthymale.org.au) has good information for Australian men. Please avoid "miracle" cures you find online.

Talk to your partner

A quiet apology and an awkward silence make it worse. "I get really excited and it's over fast sometimes. I'm working on it. Tell me what you'd like me to do to you" is a much better thing to say. Most partners care a lot less about the stopwatch than you do. They care about whether you're paying attention to them. And that's something you can do for as long as you like.