What Sex Therapy Actually Looks Like (Your Clothes Stay On)

You can describe a dodgy knee to a physio without rehearsing in the car. Explaining that you can't switch off during sex, or that it's been a year, or that it hurts and you've never told anyone, can take a bit more courage.

Sex therapy is talking with a qualified professional about sex, pleasure and whatever's getting in the way. You can go on your own or with a partner. It's far more ordinary than most people expect, and a lot of people wish they'd gone sooner.

Your clothes stay on

Let's get the obvious question out of the way. Sex therapy isn't having sex with a therapist, and you don't demonstrate anything. Nobody touches you, and nobody will ask you to undress.

That means you can sit down and say the awkward thing. Maybe your mind starts reviewing tomorrow's jobs whenever someone touches you. Maybe you've stopped wanting sex and you don't know why. You don't need the right words for your genitals before you're allowed to talk about them, and plain language is very useful here.

The first appointment starts with your concerns

A therapist will usually ask what brought you in, about your health and sexual experiences, and what you'd like help with. You might talk about what you were taught about sex growing up. Perhaps you were told that good people don't enjoy it, and then somehow you were expected to become a relaxed, confident lover overnight.

You can bring notes if nerves make your mind go blank. A sentence like "I keep worrying about whether I'm doing it right" gives them plenty to start with. You only have to share what you're ready to share.

There may be things to try at home

Depending on what you need, a therapist may suggest reading, conversations or exercises between appointments. They should have a clear purpose, and you can say no to anything that doesn't feel right. You might already recognise part of the problem in our guide to coming alone but not with a partner. Reading can help you find the words.

Choose someone you can be honest with

Look for relevant qualifications and sex-therapy training, plus experience with your particular concern. In Australia, a GP can help with a referral and tell you what support is available. Ask about fees, appointment length, online options and their approach before you book. A friendly website isn't the same as the right fit, and it's fine to try someone else if it doesn't feel right.

If sex hurts, or a physical change is worrying you, see a GP as well. Talking support and medical care can deal with different parts of the problem.

You don't need a perfect first sentence

"I'm finding this hard to talk about" is a perfectly good start. You haven't failed at sex because you'd like some help enjoying it. Our guide to talking about what feels good has everyday language for your partner, too. For the appointment itself, just bring whatever's true.