Body Confidence in Bed: You Don't Have to Love Every Angle to Get Laid

Someone who wants you very badly is kissing their way down your body, and you're busy wondering what your stomach looks like from where they are. Excellent timing, brain. Really earning your keep there.

Feeling self-conscious in bed can pull you right out of something you wanted to enjoy, and being told to "just be confident" has never helped anyone. Here's the good news: you don't have to become wildly enthusiastic about every inch of yourself before you're allowed to have a great time with it.

Keep on whatever makes you feel good

You can leave your shirt on. You can wear stockings, a favourite bra or absolutely nothing. Getting naked isn't a confidence exam with extra marks for bright lighting. There are people who'd be very happy to fuck you with your shirt on, and they've given it a lot of thought.

Choose clothes that feel good and stay comfortable when you move. If you're forever tugging at a strap or worrying about a tight waistband, that outfit's giving you more to think about than you wanted.

A bodystocking does a surprising amount for the way you feel, and it's one size with plenty of stretch. It covers you, shows you off and leaves very convenient access. The Lapdance keyhole suspender bodystocking is a good place to start. You'll feel like someone's about to get very lucky, and they are.

Our lingerie guide can help you find something you actually want to wear. Feeling sexy in something is a great reason to choose it. Feeling obliged to hide inside it isn't a rule you have to follow.

Tell your partner what helps

Maybe you love hearing what they want to do to you. Maybe repeated comments about your body make you feel inspected, even when they're kind.

You can say either one. "Kiss me and stop giving a running commentary" is perfectly reasonable. So is "Tell me what you like about my arse," and you can ask for that as often as you want.

If a partner criticises your body, you don't need to work on being confident enough to put up with it. They need to stop being an arsehole.

Feel it instead of watching it

If you catch yourself watching the sex from across the room like an unimpressed film critic, go back to one thing you're enjoying: a mouth on your neck, a hand on your waist, the pressure of a toy, how wet you are or how hard you are.

That doesn't mean forcing yourself to think positively. It's just a way back to the thing you came for. You can change position, slow down or pause if that helps.

A blindfold can do a lot of the work here, and not necessarily on you. Put a soft satin mask on your partner, and you can move, grab, pull faces and arrange yourself exactly as you like, with nobody looking at anything. Or wear it yourself, so that all you've got left is what you can feel. It's astonishing how quickly your stomach stops mattering when you don't know where the next touch is coming from.

You're allowed to have a face while you're having sex. It doesn't need to be your selfie face. Bodies that are moving, sweating and enjoying themselves rarely arrange themselves into flattering still photographs, and nobody who's in there with you is looking for one.

Choose sex you can relax into

A position you like, some privacy and a bit of time without interruptions can make the whole thing feel far less exposed. You don't have to pick the most adventurous thing you can imagine to prove you're up for it. On your side with the lights low is a very good way to come.

If sharing a toy sounds fun, our couples' toy guide has plenty of options. A toy can be part of the pleasure. It isn't a cure for how you feel about your body, and it doesn't care what your thighs are doing.

And if tonight's not a sex night, that's fine. Leaving the invitation open for another time is very different from forcing yourself through something you're not enjoying.

Get support if the worry keeps taking over

If worries about your body are constant, distressing or affecting your life, a qualified therapist can help you work through them. If food and eating are part of it, the Butterfly Foundation is on 1800 33 4673.

For now, you don't have to win an argument with every insecurity. Get comfortable, say what you want and let yourself enjoy being wanted. Your stomach doesn't have to look any different before you deserve a bloody good seeing-to.