Delayed Ejaculation: When It Takes Forever

Everyone jokes about guys who last all night, as if it's the dream. But if you've ever been going for 45 minutes, your partner's getting sore, you've lost feeling in your thighs, and you're nowhere near coming, you know it's not much of a superpower. Delayed ejaculation means it takes a very long time to come, or you can't come at all, at least with a partner. It's less talked about than coming too fast, but it can be just as frustrating. And you're not alone.

What is it?

There's no exact time limit. It's a problem if it's bothering you or your partner, and if you want to come, but it's not happening. Some men can come from masturbation, but not with a partner. Some can only come with oral or a hand. Some can't come at all. It might have always been this way, or it might have started recently.

Common causes

• Medication. It's one of the most common causes. Antidepressants, especially SSRIs, are a common culprit, as are some blood pressure and prostate medications. Our antidepressants guide explains what to ask your doctor about. Don't stop taking anything without talking to them first.
• Your masturbation habits. If you always come with a very tight grip, a very fast stroke, or lying face down in a very particular way, sex may just not feel the same. Your body's been trained for that. The good news is it can be retrained.
• Alcohol and drugs. Heavy drinking and a number of recreational drugs can delay or stop orgasm.
• Stress and anxiety. If you're watching yourself and worrying if it'll happen, it probably won't. Our guide to sex and anxiety looks at this more closely.
• Relationship issues. Resentment, unspoken things and fears about pregnancy can all play a part.
• Getting older. Things can slow down with age, and sensation can reduce.
• Physical causes. Diabetes, nerve damage, low testosterone, thyroid problems, surgery or treatment for prostate issues can all be involved. Our guide on prostate cancer treatment explains how this may change things.

See your GP

Because some causes are medical or medication-related, this is worth checking. Tell them what's going on, what you're taking, and whether you can come when you masturbate. They may review your medication, check your blood tests or refer you to a specialist. If you notice pain, blood in your semen or very little fluid, tell them. A sex therapist can also be very effective for this. Healthy Male (healthymale.org.au) has a good information sheet too.

What you can try yourself

Change how you masturbate. This is the single most useful thing for many men. Loosen your grip. Slow down. Use a lot of lube. Try different positions, including the ones you'd actually use with a partner. Stay away from whatever "special" technique you've been using, for a few weeks. Your body will take some time to adjust, and you may not come at all for a while. That's fine. Our guide to a better wank has lots of ideas.

Take a break from porn, if it's something you rely on. Some men find that their real-life arousal comes back once they stop using it to get off every time. It's not a moral issue, just a practical one. If you want something else, try audio erotica instead.

Try different stimulation. A new sensation might do what your hand can't. Vibration's very strong on nerves that have become a bit less responsive. The Satisfyer Men Vibration focuses on the head of the cock, with 14 programs. A wand on the underside of your penis, or on your perineum, can also work wonders. And some men find that prostate play really helps.

With a partner

• Stop trying. It sounds crazy, but it's the most common piece of advice. Take the goal off the table for a few weeks. Our guide to orgasm pressure explains why it's so often the pressure that's getting in the way.
• Don't keep going until someone's sore. Decide when to stop, and do something else. Nobody needs a friction burn. Use plenty of lube, and tell them if they should have a break.
• Finish however you can. Coming with your own hand at the end's not a failure. Have your partner kiss you, or hold you, while you do. It might well be the hottest part of the night.
• Bring in more of what turns you on. Fantasies, dirty talk, a different kind of touch, a new position, nipple play or teasing. Our yes, no, maybe list is a good place to find them.
• Let your partner know it's not them. They're probably thinking that it's their fault. It isn't. Tell them. Otherwise, they may feel unattractive, or think they're doing something wrong.

Something to keep in mind

Coming doesn't have to be the point of sex. If you're having a great time and you don't come, you've still had a great time. Plenty of people feel fine about that, as long as nobody's making a big deal of it. Our guide to masturbating without an orgasm looks at that side of things. But if you do want to come, and it's getting you down, it's completely fair to get some help. MensLine Australia is on 1300 78 99 78, and Beyond Blue's on 1300 22 4636 if it's affecting your mood.

This is general information, not medical advice. Please see your GP about your own situation.