Sex in a Hotel: Getting the Most Out of a Weekend Away

Something happens to people in hotel rooms. Perhaps it's the crisp sheets, or the fact that somebody else is going to wash them. It might be the big mirror, or that strange bath. At home, you're two people who argue about the dishwasher. In a hotel room, you're two strangers with a minibar and very few responsibilities. The moment that door clicks shut, you've got licence to behave very badly.

Book the right room

• Ask for a quiet room, on a high floor or at the end of a corridor. Avoid rooms next to the lift. You'll want as few people through the wall as possible.
• Get a big bed. Check that the "king" isn't two singles pushed together, because that gap's a real hazard.
• Check out the bath or the shower. A big bath's a great bonus, and a walk-in shower with a seat can be a real gift. Our shower sex guide will help you avoid a broken wrist.
• Look at the windows. A view's great, but remember that the windows work both ways, especially at night, with the lights on. Being seen from the street or another building could get you charged. Our exhibitionism guide explains the rules.
• Book a late checkout. It's the best money you'll ever spend.

What to pack

Don't bring the whole drawer. You're going for the weekend, not moving in.

• Lube and condoms. A small bottle of something good. Hotel moisturiser isn't lube, and neither's the shampoo. Wicked Simply Natural is a good all-rounder.
• A small, quiet toy. The Satisfyer Traveler has a magnetic cap, and it was made for this. A vibrating ring takes up almost no room. Our guide to travelling with sex toys covers what you need to know about planes.
• A blindfold and something to tie them with. A satin mask weighs nothing. Our unofficial hotel audit has a word to say about using the furniture.
• Something new to wear. Hotel rooms are made for lingerie. A Lapdance bodystocking folds up to nothing. Answer the door in it, but check who it is first.
• An inflatable wedge, if you've got room. The Adam & Eve Inflatable Position Pillow is a very good travel companion, as it packs flat.
• A dark towel. For reasons you'll appreciate later.

Use the whole room

You've paid for it, so why stick to the bed? Here's a good tour:

• The desk. Usually about the right height for bending over, or sitting on. Check that it's sturdy first. One couple in our stories can confirm.
• The mirror. Set yourselves up in front of the big one. You'll get a whole new perspective. Check that it's firmly on the wall first.
• The armchair. There's always an armchair that nobody's ever used. Now you know what it's for. Our seated sex guide has some ideas.
• The bath. Fill it up, bring silicone lube, and be aware that water's not the lubricant you think it is. Here's why.
• The balcony. Tempting, and also usually visible. Do be careful, as it can land you in serious strife. Keep it to a kiss in a robe.

Play with it

Pretend you've never met. Meet in the hotel bar, in different clothes, and have a stranger pick you up. Here's a script. Order room service while one of you hides under the covers, and be polite to the person who's bringing it. They didn't sign up for this. Try the slow tease, since you've got all weekend. Our bucket list has a few more ideas, as do our date night plans.

Be a decent guest

• Walls are thin. Keep it down after 11pm, or put on some music. Headboards are a real giveaway, so pull the bed out a little from the wall if it's rattling.
• Don't scar the housekeeper. Put a "do not disturb" sign out when you're busy. Wrap up your condoms, and put them in the bin rather than down the toilet. Wash your toys and take them with you. Leave a good tip, if the room's been through a lot.
• Mess. Oil and wax can stain sheets and carpets, and you might be charged for it. Use your dark towel. Keep the massage oil off the bedspread.
• Don't leave anything behind. Check under the bed, in the bathroom and in the sheets. Lost property's a very awkward phone call. "Hello, I think I may have left a purple item in room 412."

A cheap version

You don't need a five-star resort. A $120 motel with a clean bed and a door that locks will do exactly the same job. So will a night in your own city. Book somewhere 20 minutes from home, and tell nobody. Then come home with a very smug look on your face. If you can't get away, here's how to make your own bedroom feel like a hotel.