Road Trip Sex: Swags, Utes and Remote Spots

You've been in the car for seven hours. You've listened to the same three albums, you've had a dodgy servo pie, and you've got a very attractive person sitting next to you with their feet on the dash. It's 38 degrees and the road's dead straight. There hasn't been another car for an hour. And at some point, one of you looks over and says, "Pull over at the next turn-off."

Australia's got more empty space than anywhere you can name. Let's put it to good use, without anyone getting bitten, burnt or arrested.

First, the law

A parked car in view of a road is still in public, and so's a rest area. Getting caught can mean a fine or worse, as our guide to beach sex and the law explains. What matters is whether you could be seen from a public place. So don't do it at a truck stop, in a town or anywhere that someone might pull in for a sandwich. And never, ever do anything sexual while the car's moving, including hand jobs. The driver's job is to drive. People have died this way.

What you want is real privacy: your own campsite, a private property with permission or a very remote spot well off the road. Don't get caught, and our guide to sex in public has plenty more on that.

The swag

A double swag is one of the great romantic items in this country. You're under the stars, with a thick mattress, a canvas cover and a zip for the mozzies. Here's how to make the most of it:

• Check under it first. Clear away any rocks, sticks and bull ants. Do it in daylight.
• Zip the mesh. You'll regret it otherwise. Our tent sex guide has more on how to keep the mozzies out.
• Keep it low and slow. You've got a very small space, so spooning and other low-effort positions work best.
• Remember that sound carries. In the bush, you can hear someone unzipping a tent from 200 metres. Check that there's actually nobody around.

The ute tray

There's a certain style to it, and it gives you a great view of the sky. Put a thick swag or a mattress in the tray, and check for anything sharp. It's very hard on your knees, and metal gets very hot. Wait till sundown. Tie-down hooks are also something that you only forget about once. A canopy gives you some privacy, and a bit of shade.

In the car

Everyone thinks that they'll do it in the back seat, until they try it. Modern cars are full of seatbelts and sharp things. Here's what works:

• Back seat, with the seats down, if you've got a wagon or a four-wheel drive. Bring a mattress or a good blanket.
• Passenger seat, reclined all the way. One person climbs on top. Mind the horn.
• Bent over the bonnet. Only on a cold engine, and only if you're somewhere truly private. A hot bonnet's a mistake you won't make twice.

Keep the engine off, make sure that you've got some ventilation and never run the engine with the windows closed. Heat can be dangerous in a parked car. Fogged windows are also a giveaway. Our seated sex guide has some good ideas for tight spaces.

Motels: the unsung hero

Let's be honest. After a day's driving, a roadside motor inn with a working air conditioner and hot shower is hard to beat. Nothing feels quite as naughty as a roadside motel, with its dodgy carpet and its bedspread that you don't want to think about. Bring your own towel, and take the bedspread off. Thin walls are the only drawback, so check out our quiet toys guide. Our hotel guide has more ideas.

What to pack in the glovebox

• Lube in a small bottle, and not left to cook. A hot car can damage it. Keep it in the esky, or in your bag.
• Condoms, also kept away from the heat. A glovebox in January will destroy them. Here's why.
• A small toy. The Satisfyer Traveler has a magnetic cap, and it's made for this. Keep it away from red dust, as that gets into everything. Your car's USB port can charge it, too.
• A good bag. A Fun Factory toy bag keeps the dust and the sunscreen off. Our travel lock guide tells you how to stop it switching itself on in your bag.
• A towel, wipes and a big bottle of water. You'll need all three, and you shouldn't drink the wipes.
• A rubbish bag. Take everything with you, especially condoms and wipes. Leave nothing behind.

Australia's trying to kill you

Keep this in mind before you take your pants off in the bush. Look out for snakes, ants and spiders, and croc country's a real thing, so don't go for a sexy skinny dip in northern Australia without checking the signs. The sun can burn places that have never seen daylight, so go at dusk. Take plenty of water. Dehydration's a real risk, and sex in the heat makes it worse. Our heatwave guide has some tips. Tell someone where you're going, and don't drive tired afterwards. Have a nap first. You've earned it.

The real pleasure of it

There's nothing else like lying on your back in the middle of nowhere, with the whole Milky Way above you and someone you're mad about next to you, and no one for a hundred kilometres. It's worth the drive, the flies and the sand in your undies. Just remember to check the swag for ants first. Trust us on that.