Lesbian Sex: A Guide for Women Who Are Sick of Being an Afterthought

Every sex guide on Earth has a little box in it, around page 94, that says "if you're a lesbian, some of this may also apply". Thanks, heaps. Meanwhile, research keeps finding that lesbians come a hell of a lot more often than straight women do. Take a moment to think about that, because it's not a coincidence. Lesbian sex isn't a watered-down version of anything. It's the version that doesn't stop until everybody's finished.

What counts as lesbian sex?

All of it. This is the first question everyone gets asked ("but how do you actually do it?"), and the answer is: however you bloody well like. There's no main event you're working up to, and no finish line that ends the game just because someone's come. Hands, mouths, thighs, toys or nothing but talking dirty all count. Some nights take ten minutes, and some take the entire weekend. That's what the U-Haul's for.

The hands

Hands are where it's at, and any woman who's been with women will tell you to keep your nails short. Hand-on-clit, fingers curled inside, or both at once. Read our fingering guide, and ignore the bits that you already know better than I do. Bring gloves and lube for a very smooth ride, particularly if there's fisting on the cards, because that's something you work up to slowly.

The mouth

There's a whole lot to be said about eating pussy, and we've said it here. For this guide, all you need to know is that you don't have to take turns. A side-lying 69 is very good if you enjoy multitasking, and face sitting is for those who like to be in charge.

The grind

Scissoring has been made fun of by every comedian who's never tried it, but tribbing's another matter. Some people love pressing together, clit to clit or clit to thigh, and grinding in whatever way works. Others don't get much from it. Our scissoring guide goes through the different ways of arranging your legs. Riding a thigh's the easy option, and it's an absolute cracker. A bit of lube can change the whole experience.

The toys

For a lot of women, toys aren't a "substitute" for anything, since nothing was missing. They're just another great thing that does what a tongue can't.

Strap-ons: Get a harness that fits, because a floppy dildo helps no one. The Sportsheets Deep Dive is a comfy and affordable start, and it takes most flared-base dildos, with adjustable straps up to 60 inch hips. Pair it with something like the Fun Factory Limba Flex, and you can bend it to your exact angle. Our strap-on guide sorts the rest.

Toys for both of you at once: The Evolved Couples Therapy has flexible vibrating antennae that can reach two people, and a double-ended dildo's a classic for a reason. Our double-ended dildo guide explains the types. And a strapless strap-on gives both people something to enjoy, if you're up to the task.

Grinding gear: The Grinders Rocker sits between you, with a remote for whoever you trust most.

Yes, you can still catch things

There's a stubborn myth that women who have sex with women don't need to worry about STIs. You do. Herpes, HPV, chlamydia, syphilis and BV can all be passed between women, through fingers, mouths, grinding and shared toys. So:

• Get tested regularly and tell your doctor who you sleep with, or they might not test you properly. Our testing guide shows you how.
• Stay up to date with your cervical screening. You need it too, whatever a doctor once told you. HPV doesn't care who you sleep with.
• Clean your toys between people, or put a fresh condom on them. Our guide to sharing toys has the details.
• Dental dams and gloves are available, if you want them.

Roles, labels and all that

Top, bottom, stone, switch, butch, femme, pillow princess or service top: use them if they help, and ignore them if they don't. A "pillow princess" lies back and gets looked after, and a service top is thrilled to do the looking after, so you'd hope they've found each other. And if anyone asks who's the man, the answer's that neither of you is. That's rather the point.

Your first time with a woman

If this is new, you'll be nervous, and it's fine. Everyone's different, even if you've got similar parts, so don't assume that what you like is what she likes. Ask. Ask a lot. "Show me" is a wonderful thing to say. Nobody's keeping score, and you've got the rest of your life to practise. What a privilege.