Fingering Done Properly: Slow Down and Listen

Most people learned to finger someone by jamming two digits in and going like the clappers, as if they were trying to get the last bit out of a jar. Then a lot of them kept doing that for decades, because nobody had the heart to tell them. So consider this your intervention, with love.

Done properly, fingering's one of the most intensely personal things you can do to someone. You can feel everything happening in real time, and you can make someone's legs shake using only a very small movement of your hand.

Sort your hands out first

Trim your nails, and file them smooth. Wash your hands. It's the sexiest bit of admin you'll ever do, and anyone who notices will know exactly what you've got planned. Any cut on your fingers or hangnail is worth a glove, and a glove's a good idea if you're playing with someone you haven't had the STI chat with yet.

Don't go in yet

This is where most people blow it. Start outside. Run your fingers along their thighs, over their undies, then around the outer lips. Tease the entrance without going in, and circle the clit without quite touching it. Our clitoris guide shows you what's where.

You want them wet, or hard, or pushing into your hand before you go anywhere. And if they're not wet, that doesn't mean they're not into it. Bodies vary, so use lube. Wicked Simply Natural is a slick, fragrance-free gel that's good for sensitive skin.

The come-hither

When you're invited, slide one finger in, slowly, palm facing up. Stay there for a moment, and let them get used to it. Then curl your finger towards their belly button, as if you're beckoning someone over. That's it. Don't pump in and out. The action's all in that curl, stroking the front wall a few centimetres in.

That's where you'll find what people call the G-spot, which may feel a bit ridged or spongy, particularly as they get more aroused. Some people love it, and others feel very little. Our G-spot guide explains why. Add a second finger once they ask for one, or when you can tell they want it.

Use your thumb, you've got one

While your fingers curl inside, your thumb or other hand can work the clit, in small slow circles. For many people, this combination's where it all comes together. Your wrist will start complaining, and you should ignore it. If something's working, don't change a thing.

Listen with your hand

You'll feel their body respond before they say anything. Things get wetter, the walls tighten, and their hips start moving. Match it. If they push into you, give them more. If they pull back, ease off. And ask, in your dirtiest voice: "Here? Or here? Faster? Tell me."

When someone's close, the common mistake is going faster and harder because you're excited. Don't. Hold the same rhythm, steady as a metronome, and let them come to you. Our guide to talking during sex makes this much easier.

Add a little something

The Maia Kiko slips on a finger, with a raised tip and 9 vibration functions, so that your thumb gets some high-tech help on the clit. It's a good way to give your wrist a break, too.

Keep in mind that anything that's been in the bum stays out of the vagina until it's been washed. Fingers included. Our hygiene guide covers why.

What not to do

• Don't jackhammer. It's not a drill, and nobody's getting a shelf put up.
• Don't go dry. Dry fingers sting. Lube's cheap, and it's always the answer.
• Don't assume you've found the spot because a porn star yelled. Your partner's body is the only one that counts.
• Don't stop right after they come. Stay there, stay still and let them twitch around your fingers. Then ask if they want to go again. It's a very good question.

Now go practise. Practise a lot. Tell them I said it was homework.