Sexless Marriage: Where to Start When It's Been Years

It didn't happen all at once. There was a busy year, a baby or a bad back, then a stretch when neither of you felt like it. One night, you did the maths and realised it's been three years. Now it's the thing that neither of you mentions. You're kind to each other, you're good at running a household, and you go to bed at different times so nobody has to think about it. If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. Lots of long-term couples end up here, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

This guide isn't going to tell you how often you should be having sex. If you're both happy, then you don't have a problem. But if it hurts, or you miss it, here's where to start.

Why it happens

It's rarely one thing, and it's rarely one person's fault. Common causes include stress, exhaustion, kids, menopause, medication, depression, illness, resentment, body image, grief, erectile problems, pain during sex and mismatched sex drives. Sometimes you've simply fallen out of the habit, and the longer it's been, the harder it gets to start again. Both of you are probably afraid of being rejected, or of failing.

See a doctor first, if something's physical

A lot of sexless relationships begin with a body problem nobody talked about. Sex that hurts, erections that stopped working, or a libido that vanished on medication. All of those can often be helped, so it's worth a GP visit. Our guide to painful sex, our guide to erectile dysfunction, our antidepressants guide and our menopause guide are good places to start.

How to bring it up

This may be the hardest conversation of your marriage, so don't do it in bed, or straight after they've turned you down. Pick a quiet time, like a walk or a drive, when you don't have to look at each other. Try something like this:

• "I miss being close to you. I don't want to blame anyone. Can we talk about it?"
• "I know we don't talk about this, and I think that's because we're both a bit scared. I am."
• "I love you. I'd like us to find our way back. How do you feel about it?"

Avoid "you never" and "we used to". Avoid keeping score. Listen to what they say, even if it hurts. They might tell you something you weren't expecting, like that they've felt unattractive for years, or that sex stopped being enjoyable for them a long time ago. Our communication guide has more.

Start with touch, and take sex off the table

This might sound like the opposite of what you need, but it often works best. When every touch could lead to sex, the person who's reluctant learns to avoid being touched at all. So agree that, for a few weeks, nothing's going to lead anywhere. No pressure, no goal.

• Hug properly for 20 seconds.
• Hold hands on the couch.
• Kiss properly, with no plan.
• Go to bed at the same time.
• Give each other a massage, with no expectations. Our massage guide has some ideas, although you can leave out the last few steps.

Sex therapists call this sensate focus, and it's a well-known way of rebuilding comfort. When you're both ready, you can slowly add more.

When you start again

It won't be like it was, and it may be a bit awkward. You've been out of practice, and your bodies have changed. So go gently. Use lube, as it's the cheapest help you'll ever buy. Wicked Simply Natural is a gentle one. Then plan for it. Scheduling intimacy takes away the awkward wondering. Our guide to sex after a long break has plenty more. And remember, desire often turns up after you've started, not before. Here's why.

Keep your expectations low, and your sense of humour high. You don't need to get to "normal". You're simply trying to find something that works for you now. It might not even be penetration, as our non-penetrative sex guide explains.

Getting help

This is very hard to do alone, especially if it's been years or there's a lot of hurt. A sex therapist or couples counsellor works with this all the time, and it's nothing like what you may have feared. Relationships Australia has services in each state, on 1300 364 277.

What if they won't talk, or it doesn't change?

Nobody owes anyone sex, and that includes your spouse. Your partner's "no" is still a no, after 30 years of marriage. Nobody should be guilted, pressured or forced. If that's happening to you, 1800RESPECT is there for you on 1800 737 732.

At the same time, it's OK for this to matter to you. If you've tried and nothing changes, you get to think about what you can live with. Some couples decide they're happy as they are. Some agree to open things up, as this guide explains. Some decide to part. None of those are failures, and a counsellor can help you work through them with kindness.

You've done the bravest bit by reading this. The next step's just a sentence: "Can we talk about something?"