Different Sex Drives: When One of You Is Horny and the Other Wants to Sleep

You're lying there thinking about getting your partner naked. They're lying there thinking about getting eight hours' sleep. Both are great plans. Unfortunately, it's the same bed, and it's the third night this week. So now you're both awake and pretending you're not.

Different sex drives can be frustrating, especially when the same conversation keeps ending with one person feeling unwanted and the other feeling pressured. It's also one of the most common things couples deal with, and it doesn't mean you're broken. Here's how to talk about it without anyone keeping score.

Work out what you're actually missing

Wanting more sex might mean exactly that. It might also mean missing flirting, feeling wanted or having your partner make the first move for once. Those aren't the same. More kisses in the kitchen may help you feel desired, even on a night when you don't end up naked.

So be specific. "I'd love you to flirt with me more" gives your partner something far clearer than "you never want me".

It might be the timing

Perhaps one of you starts flirting at midnight, just as the other has become emotionally attached to their pillow. Perhaps the only time you're alone is when you're both wrecked. Ask when sex actually sounds good, and what makes it feel like effort. You may find room for a Sunday morning or a quick one before dinner.

But a better time's an invitation, not a booking to be honoured. Being free on Saturday doesn't automatically make someone horny on Saturday. Our responsive desire guide may explain a lot, too.

Let some cuddles just be cuddles

If every cuddle becomes an attempt to start sex, the person wanting less will start avoiding cuddles too. Now you've lost affection as well as sex. So agree that some time together has no expectation attached. A kiss, a back rub or a quiet night can be exactly what it says on the box. Our massage candle guide has ideas, but buying the candle doesn't buy whatever happens after.

Don't split the difference with unwanted sex

A number halfway between what you each want isn't fair if one of you dreads it. Sex should be something you both want to be there for.

And there's more than one way to meet in the middle. One of you can get off while the other kisses them, holds them or just watches. A hand or a toy can take the pressure off anyone needing to feel the same at the same time. Or you can take care of yourself.

Solo pleasure can stay part of your life, and a Maia KONA or a good stroker won't ever say it's too tired. A wank doesn't have to be a sulk, a threat or evidence that your relationship's in trouble. It can just be a wank.

Don't diagnose each other

Stress, relationship issues, health changes and some medicines can all affect desire. If a change worries you, a GP can help you look into it. Sometimes people just want different amounts of sex. If you're stuck in the same painful argument, our guide to what sex therapy looks like might be a good next step.

You can still flirt, want each other and enjoy the sex you both want. Start with an honest conversation in daylight. It's usually easier with your pants on.