Different Sex Drives: When One of You Is Horny and the Other Isn't

You're thinking about getting your partner naked. They're thinking about getting eight hours' sleep. Both are lovely plans. Unfortunately, only one involves the thing you had in mind.

Different sex drives can be frustrating, especially when the same conversation keeps ending with one person feeling unwanted and the other feeling chased. Nobody needs to be declared the correct amount of horny. You need a way to handle the difference without every bedtime turning into a bloody negotiation.

Work out what you're actually missing

Wanting more sex might mean exactly that. It might also mean missing flirtation, feeling desired or having your partner make the first move occasionally.

Those wants aren't identical. More kisses in the kitchen may help you feel wanted, even on a night when neither of you ends up naked. Equally, a kiss won't magically solve an ongoing difference in how often you want sex.

Be specific about what you miss. “I'd love you to flirt with me more” gives your partner something clearer than “You never want me”.

Timing can be part of the problem

Perhaps one person starts flirting at midnight, just as the other has become emotionally attached to their pillow. Perhaps the evening is full of jobs and the first sexual invitation arrives after somebody has finally sat down.

Ask when sex actually sounds appealing, and what makes it feel like effort. You may find room for a different time or a shorter, less elaborate evening together.

But a better time is an invitation, not a booking that has to be honoured. Being free on Saturday doesn't automatically make someone keen for a shag.

Let some cuddles just be cuddles

If every cuddle becomes an attempt to start sex, the person wanting less may begin avoiding cuddles too. Now you've lost affection as well as having different plans for your genitals.

Agree that some time together has no expectation attached. A kiss, a back rub or a quiet night can be exactly what it says on the tin.

If you both enjoy massage, our massage candle guide covers the practical choice. Buying the candle doesn't buy whatever happens after the massage.

Don't split the difference with unwanted sex

A number halfway between your preferred frequencies isn't a fair solution if one of you dreads it. Sex should be something both people want to be part of.

Solo pleasure can remain part of your life too, if you want it. A wank doesn't have to be a sulk, a threat or evidence that your partner has failed to keep you entertained.

Talk about how you each feel and what you can honestly offer. Neither person has to pretend the mismatch doesn't matter, and neither owes sex to make the conversation easier.

Notice changes without diagnosing each other

Stress, relationship difficulties, health changes and some medicines can affect desire. If a change worries you, a GP can help you explore it. Don't stop prescribed medicine on your own.

Sometimes people simply want different amounts of sex. If you're stuck in the same painful argument, our guide to what sex therapy involves explains another option.

You can still flirt, fancy each other and enjoy the sex you both want. Start with an honest conversation in daylight. It's usually easier when nobody is half-asleep and wondering whether taking their socks off sent the wrong message.