Degradation Kink: How to Say Filthy Things Safely

There's a very particular thrill in hearing someone you love, and who loves you, tell you you're a dirty little slut. Outside the bedroom, those words might start a fight. Inside it, with the right person and an agreement between you, they can make your whole body go hot. It sounds a bit wrong, and that's a big part of why it's so right.

Degradation kink's about getting turned on by being verbally put down, called names, or made to feel "lesser" as part of a game you've both agreed on. It's very common. It's also a kink where you've got to get the groundwork right, because words can cut in ways you can't always predict.

Why would anyone want this?

Because it's a holiday. Most of us spend our whole lives being careful, capable and respectable. Being told you're nothing but a filthy thing for someone's pleasure means you can put all that down for a while. You don't have to be good, you don't have to be in charge, and you've got permission to want exactly what you want. For some, there's relief in it. For others, there's power in being the one who's saying it. And for many, it's just hot, and that's reason enough.

Getting off on being called names doesn't mean you've got low self-esteem, or that you want to be treated badly in real life. People who love this are often very clear about the difference. It's a game, and you're both in on it.

Negotiate this one properly

This isn't one to surprise someone with. Calling your partner a slut out of nowhere is a great way to spend the rest of the night in a very long, very unsexy conversation. So talk first, with your clothes on, ideally when you're not cross with each other.

• Which words are hot, and which ones aren't? Get specific. "Slut" might be great and "whore" might be awful. It's personal, and you won't be able to guess.
• What's completely off limits? Most people have a line. Weight, body, intelligence, parenting, race, past trauma and work are very common. Stay well away from insults about things they actually worry about.
• What's the fantasy? Are they a dirty slut who can't get enough, or a useless thing that's only good for one purpose? Those are very different.
• What's the safeword? Our safeword guide has the basics. Check in during a scene, too, as words can land differently from one day to the next.
• Who else gets to know? Usually, no one. Don't bring it up at breakfast, and it definitely doesn't come out in an argument. If the bedroom words ever show up in a real fight, you've broken something important.

Start small

Don't open with your strongest material. Try something mild and see how it lands.

• "You love this, don't you?"
• "Look at how wet you are. You can't help yourself."
• "Filthy thing."
• "Is this what you wanted?"
• "Say it. Tell me what you are."

Then watch how they react. If they moan, it's working. If they go quiet, pull back or look away, stop and check in. Getting them to say something out loud is often hotter than anything you could say. "Tell me what you want, you dirty thing." Then make them say it twice. Our dirty talk guide helps if you're short of words.

If you're the one saying it and you feel awkward, or even guilty, that's very common. Tell them. Plenty of people struggle to say mean things to someone they love. Check that they're having a good time, and remember that you're giving them exactly what they asked for.

Add some atmosphere

A bit of gear changes how it feels. A collar's the classic, worn for the look and the meaning. It should sit loosely, with nothing pulling on it, ever. Read our collars guide first. Making someone kneel, or stay on the floor, or wait until you tell them, all add to the game without saying a word. The Ouch printed satin masks come with some very direct wording, too, if you'd like to get the message across.

Afterwards is what makes it work

This is the part that keeps this kink safe. Being called filthy names can hit you hard, and the feeling can linger. So after a scene, come back to each other. Hold them, tell them who they are and how much you love them, and get them a drink. Our aftercare guide explains why this matters. Check in the next day as well. The person doing the talking may need some reassurance too.

If you often feel terrible after, it's worth changing what you're doing, or stopping. It should leave you feeling closer, and a bit smug.

When it's not a kink

It's only a kink if everyone agreed to it, and it stops when you say so. If someone's putting you down outside of sex, ignoring your limits or using your kink against you, that isn't play. You can talk to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, any time.

And if it turns out you'd rather have the opposite, we've got a guide to praise kink, too. Good for you for reading this far.