Sex After an Affair: Rebuilding When Trust Is Gone

Nothing about this is simple. You might be the person who was cheated on, and you can't stop picturing it. You might be the one who had the affair, wondering if you'll ever be forgiven. You might be having the most intense sex of your whole relationship, and you don't know what that says about you. Or you might not be able to bear being touched. Whatever's going on, it's normal. Here's some gentle guidance, whichever side you're on.

Whatever you're feeling is OK

People respond to an affair in very different ways, and those feelings can change from one day to the next.

• You can't stand to be touched. That's very common. Your body's telling you that it doesn't feel safe. You don't have to have sex until you want to, and you don't owe anyone a return to normal.
• You want sex all the time. People often call it hysterical bonding, and it is far more common than people admit. It can be a way to feel close, to reclaim your partner, to prove something, or to feel less alone. It doesn't mean that you've forgiven them, and it doesn't mean that anything's fixed.
• Both, on the same day. That's normal as well.
• You can't stop comparing. You may be asking yourself what they did with that person, and if you measure up. Images may come into your head during sex. It's very common, and very painful. It usually eases with time.

First things first

Trust is the main thing, and there are some practical matters to get out of the way.

• Get tested, both of you. You may need to ask for this, even if it feels awful. Use condoms until you know where you stand. Our STI testing guide explains what to do, and the staff there have seen it all before and won't judge you.
• The affair has to be over. It's almost impossible to rebuild while it's still going on.
• Take your time deciding. You don't have to know yet if you're staying. Nobody can tell you how long this should take, and many people take a year or two to work through it.

If you were cheated on

You get to set the pace. If you need space, take it. If you want to have sex, that's fine too. It doesn't mean you're letting them off the hook. It's also fine to change your mind halfway through. If an image comes into your head, you can stop, and say so. You could ask for lights on, so you can see that it's just the two of you, or you could change position. Try something new, too, that's only yours, as some people find that helps. Try not to compete. This isn't about your body or how good you are in bed. Affairs are rarely about that, even if it feels as though they must be.

Questions are normal. You might want every detail, or you might not want any. Think about which answers will really help, since sexual details can be hard to forget.

If you had the affair

Patience is what's needed from you now. Don't initiate or pressure, or say it's time to move on. Take no for an answer, without sulking. You've got to be able to sit with their pain without getting defensive, without explaining why it happened before they're ready, and without asking them to make you feel better. Answer questions honestly. Be transparent about your whereabouts for as long as they need. Trust's rebuilt through boring, consistent reliability, over a long time. Don't confuse a burst of great sex with being forgiven.

Rebuilding intimacy

When you're both ready, start slowly. Sex might not be the first thing to come back, and that's OK.

• Start with touch that doesn't lead anywhere: holding hands, a hug, sitting close. Our guide to restarting after a long time explains how sensate focus can help.
• Talk about what you want from sex now. It may have changed. A yes, no, maybe list can make that easier.
• Make new memories. Some couples say it feels like getting to know each other again. A new place or a new toy that's only yours can help. A hotel gives you somewhere that doesn't have any history. It isn't for everyone, though, and only you can say if it feels right.
• Be honest during sex. If you're feeling disconnected, or it's bringing up bad feelings, say so, and stop.

Don't use a bit of kink to fix things yet, particularly anything involving power or pain. It needs a level of trust that you may not have right now. It may well come back later, when things are stronger.

Getting help

Very few couples get through this without help, and that's what it's there for. A couples counsellor or sex therapist can help you with this. Relationships Australia is on 1300 364 277. You can also have your own counsellor, as you may want somewhere to say the things you can't say to each other. If you feel very low or you're struggling, Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Beyond Blue is on 1300 22 4636.

If you decide to leave

You don't have to stay. Some relationships come back stronger, and some don't. Neither of those means that anyone failed. If you do leave, our guide to sex with a new partner might help when you're ready, however long that takes. You deserve to feel safe, wanted and honestly loved, whatever you decide.