What Are Swingers? And How Does a Couple Actually Start Swinging?

You're driving home from dinner when your partner mentions that the other couple were pretty hot. Then there's a small silence. Then one of you says, "Yeah. They were." Suddenly the conversation's much more interesting than whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.

Is that dirty talk, a real suggestion or both? Before anyone starts choosing an outfit, that's worth finding out.

Swinging means consensually sharing sexual experiences with people outside your relationship, usually together as a couple. Singles may be involved too. Everyone knows what's happening, and everyone chooses whether to join in. It's the opposite of cheating. Secrecy isn't the sexy part. Watching your partner get what they want, with you right there, very often is.

What do swingers actually do?

Some couples swap partners, in the same room or in separate ones. Others want to kiss, touch or watch, with permission, and go no further. Plenty just like having sex with each other while another couple does the same on the next bed, and they never lay a finger on anyone else. A threesome might appeal more than meeting a couple. There's no compulsory list of activities to complete to earn the title.

You'll hear "soft swap" and "full swap". Roughly, soft swap means anything up to penetration, and full swap means everything. But people don't always use those terms the same way, so say what you mean. "Kissing and oral's fine, penetration isn't" tells someone far more than assuming you've all read the same unofficial dictionary.

Swinging usually centres on sex. Polyamory can involve several romantic relationships. People may use more than one label, but the useful bit is finding out what the actual people in front of you want.

A hot fantasy isn't a booking

Imagining your partner being wanted by someone else, having their clothes pulled off and their head thrown back, might turn you on like nothing else has. Actually watching it could feel exactly as good. It could also feel completely different, and you won't know until you're there. Or perhaps you love the idea of being flirted with by two people, but don't want to take your clothes off in front of either of them yet.

Get specific about what does it for you. The attention? Watching? Being watched? Sex with someone new? Your partner getting visibly excited? Those are different reasons to be curious, and they don't all lead to the same evening.

Start by talking about it in bed, as a story. If it makes you both come harder, that's useful information. If that's where it stays, our guide to enjoying a fantasy without acting it out is worth a read. You haven't chickened out by keeping it imaginary. You've got a very good story, and that's plenty.

Agree on the rules before anyone's naked

This is the bit that makes everything else possible. Talk it through together, sober and well before the night, and be honest.

• What's on the table tonight, and what's definitely not?
• Same room or separate rooms?
• Can you kiss? Some couples are fine with anything except that.
• What's your signal for "I need to talk to you, right now", and "we're leaving"?
• What happens if one of you likes someone and the other doesn't? (Usually, nothing happens. Both of you get a veto.)

Then stick to it. Agreeing on something at home and pushing past it in the heat of the moment is how couples get hurt.

Meet the people before planning the sex

A first meeting can just be a drink or a chat somewhere public, with all your clothes on. Find out if you actually like them. A gorgeous photo doesn't reveal that someone talks over you for forty minutes about their investment property.

One person liking another doesn't commit their partner to anything. Nor does travelling, dressing up or paying to go to an event. Nobody owes anyone a compensatory shag. And "no thanks" is a perfectly polite thing to say in a swingers' club, where it gets said all night, and nobody's feelings are hurt.

If you do want to go further, talk about boundaries, condoms and other barriers, recent STI tests, privacy and what happens if someone wants to stop. Bring more condoms than seems reasonable, and change them between partners, every time. A Four Seasons box of 144 is a very optimistic purchase, and it'll see you through a whole lot of very interesting weekends.

Keep phones away unless everyone has specifically agreed to photos. A private evening shouldn't become surprise content.

Leave room to change your mind

Jealousy, nerves or a plain lack of chemistry can turn up even when the planning sounded excellent. Pause when someone needs to. Being adventurous doesn't mean pretending you love every second. If one of you wants to go home, you both go home, and you can do that with no drama and no explanation to anybody else.

Afterwards, talk about what you enjoyed and what you didn't, and don't make it a competition over who was the most relaxed. This is also when a lot of couples find out what the whole thing was for. Many of them will tell you that the best sex of the weekend happened when they got home, with the two of them alone, and describing it all back to each other.

If you're considering one extra person, our guide to thinking through a threesome covers that more specifically.

You might arrange another meeting. You might decide that the fantasy was better. Either way, the point was to find something you all wanted, not to collect a bloody achievement badge.