Private Relationship or Secret Relationship? It's Worth Knowing Which You're In

They don't post couple photos. Fine. You've had them in your bed three nights a week for a year, you know exactly how they like it, and they're very good to you. Then you bump into their friends at the pub, and they introduce you as someone who came to fix the wifi. Hmm.

A private relationship can suit you both, and there's something pretty hot about having a secret between you. Feeling hidden when you never agreed to it is a very different thing.

No photos doesn't mean no commitment

Some people put very little of their life online, while others post the dog, the dinner and their breakfast. So look at ordinary life instead. Do their friends know you're dating? Can you turn up together without an elaborate cover story? Do they answer when you call? A missing Instagram post can't answer those questions, and a hundred posts can't prove anything either.

Say what you want acknowledged

Maybe you want close friends to know. Maybe you're happy staying offline, but you're sick of being called "just a friend". Be specific: "I'm fine without photos. I don't want us pretending we're not dating when we see your friends." Ask what privacy means to them, too. Keeping a new relationship out of workplace gossip is very reasonable.

Some things aren't yours to announce

Don't out someone's sexuality, gender history or relationship in order to force recognition. There can be very real reasons for keeping those things quiet, including safety. You can respect that and still decide that the relationship on offer doesn't work for you. Talk about what can honestly change, and when you'll revisit it. If nothing can change, you've got a decision to make.

Exclusivity needs its own conversation

Meeting the friends doesn't automatically mean you're exclusive, and staying off social media doesn't mean someone's cheating. Ask directly. If the answer doesn't match how you're being treated, deal with that. Our guide to casual sex and decent manners has some useful language.

Decide what stays between you

Plenty of things should stay between the two of you. The toys in your drawer, the cuffs behind the headboard, and what you called each other last night are nobody's business. That's privacy, and it's one of the best parts of being together. Our guides to sharing hookup stories and keeping intimate photos private will help you draw that line.

You can want privacy and still be honest. You can want to be acknowledged without demanding a billboard. You just shouldn't have to pretend you're there about the wifi.