Your First Sex-on-Premises Venue: Etiquette for Beginners

You've booked it. You've got your outfit, you've checked the address four times, and you and your partner have spent the whole drive there saying "We don't have to do anything," in increasingly high voices. You're about to walk into a place where people are having sex in the next room, on purpose. Here's the thing nobody tells you: it's mostly very polite. People ask for towels. Someone's having a sandwich. There's a surprising amount of small talk.

What are we talking about?

A sex-on-premises venue (SOPV) is any licensed or private venue where sexual activity is allowed on site. This can include swingers clubs, gay saunas, kink clubs and private play parties. They're legal in many parts of Australia, with rules that vary from state to state, and many are members-only. Check that your venue's a real, well-run one, with a website, reviews and clear rules. Vibes differ a lot, so find one that matches your interests. Our swingers guide has some background, and our exhibitionism guide explains why many people love this sort of place.

Before you go

• Read the rules on the website. Every venue's different. Check dress codes, whether singles are allowed, costs and any special nights.
• Go on a quiet night, or an introductory one. Many places run tours or newcomer events.
• If you're going as a couple, make your agreement in the car park at the latest. Our negotiation guide has all the questions. What's OK? Are you there only to watch? Same room or separate? What's your signal for "I need to talk" or "we're leaving"? Either of you should be able to call it off, with no argument.
• Have a plan to do absolutely nothing. It's completely fine for your first visit to be a drink, a look around and a very excited drive home. Plenty of people do just that.
• Pack sensibly. Bring your own condoms and lube, a small bag, a towel if the venue doesn't provide them, breath mints, a fully charged phone that you'll keep in a locker, and a small toy bag.
• Get tested beforehand. Here's our testing guide. Regulars tend to take this seriously, and so should you. And if you've got something active, stay home.

What to wear

Check the dress code. It might be smart casual when you arrive, with a change into lingerie afterwards. It might be "fetish wear" at a kink club, which can mean they'll turn you away in street clothes. A good bodystocking, a little black dress, or for men, a nice shirt or some good underwear, are hard to go wrong with. Our lingerie guide and our men's guide will help. Most importantly, wear something that makes you feel great.

The golden rules

• Ask first. Always. Before touching anyone, or even joining in, you need a clear yes. A smile isn't a yes. Nor is someone being naked. Touching someone without asking can get you thrown out, and quite rightly.
• No means no, and it's said a lot. "No thanks" is completely normal here. Say it, hear it, smile, and move on. Nobody's offended. Don't ask twice.
• Don't interrupt a scene. Watching is usually fine, if it's in an open area. Keep your distance, keep your hands to yourself and don't talk to people mid-act. If a door's shut, it's shut.
• Phones away. No photos, ever. It's the fastest way to get banned. Many places make you lock your phone away.
• Don't touch someone's partner without both of them agreeing. Check first.
• What you see stays here. You might see someone you know. Nod politely, and then never mention it to anyone.
• Stay reasonably sober. Consent needs a clear head, and our guide to alcohol and sex explains why. Many venues won't serve alcohol at all, and they'll throw out drunk people.
• Clean up after yourself. Wipe down equipment, put your condoms in the bin and use the showers. Hygiene really matters here.

Safety

Use condoms, and change them with each new partner. Use a new one on a shared toy as well, and clean it properly afterwards. Our guide to sharing toys covers this. If you're at higher risk, ask your doctor about PrEP, and get tested again a few weeks afterwards. A water-based lube works with every condom.

If someone makes you uncomfortable, tell the staff or a host. That's what they're there for. A good venue will take it seriously and act right away. If you were assaulted, it's not your fault, and you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or the police.

If you're there as a couple

Check in with each other often. Stick to what you agreed. Being excited at the time doesn't mean you can change the rules without talking about it. If you're feeling jealous, or you want to go home, say so, and go. Our hotwifing guide has some ideas on handling those feelings. And afterwards, talk about it. Often the best part of the night's the drive home, and what happens when you get there.

Don't expect a porno

People are all shapes, ages and sizes. Most of them are nervous, and everyone's a bit awkward at times. You don't have to look a certain way, or do anything. Nobody's looking at you as much as you think they are. Have a drink, have a look and get chatting. You'll be surprised how quickly it all feels quite normal. Even the guy with the sandwich.