Alcohol and Sex: If You're Not Sure, Stop

The flirting was excellent. The pub chips were average. Now you're back at someone's place, and the question is whether you both actually want sex. Going home together hasn't answered it.

Alcohol can make that question harder to answer clearly. If either person is too affected to understand what's happening or communicate what they want, stop. Being horny doesn't make an unclear answer any clearer.

A lift home isn't a yes to sex

Maybe you kissed outside the pub. Maybe someone sent a filthy message before you arrived. Maybe you've been together for years and already own a deeply unsexy joint vacuum cleaner.

None of that means sex is owed tonight. Someone can want a kiss, a cuddle or your company without wanting anything further. They can also change their mind after sex has started.

Think about the person in front of you now, rather than the evening you'd planned in your head. A good date doesn't need a sexual finish to count as a good date.

Don't turn drink counting into a consent test

There isn't a useful little calculation where you count their drinks and award yourself permission. You need a person who can freely choose and communicate, not a convincing argument about the size of the wine glasses.

If they're asleep, passed out or unable to understand or communicate because of alcohol, they cannot consent. If you're unsure, leave sex for another time. Repeating the question until you get the answer you want isn't clearing anything up.

And if you're the one who wants to stop, you don't need a polished explanation. You can want your clothes back on and a taxi home. That is enough.

Keep the flirting easy to answer

A direct question can fit perfectly well into a flirty evening. You don't need to turn into someone reading terms and conditions. Ask what they want, listen and make it easy for the answer to be no.

Silence or uncertainty isn't a cue to keep going. Nor is an erection or wetness proof that somebody wants sex. Our guide to why arousal isn't consent explains that difference plainly.

For conversations where you both feel clear and comfortable, saying what you want during sex can make the whole thing much less of a guessing exercise.

Leave the bedroom plans for another night

You can still fancy someone and decide tonight isn't the night. Arrange a safe way home, or somewhere to sleep without any expectation of sex. Tomorrow's message can be about another date. Nobody needs to salvage the evening by pushing past uncertainty.

If something happened without your consent, it wasn't your fault. In Australia, 1800RESPECT offers support on 1800 737 732. Call 000 if you're in immediate danger.