Alcohol and Sex: If You're Not Sure, Stop

You've had a few drinks, you've had a great night, and now you're back at someone's place. The question is whether you both actually want sex. Going home together hasn't answered it.

Alcohol can make that question harder to answer clearly. If either of you is too affected to understand what's happening or to say what you want, stop. Being horny doesn't make an unclear answer any clearer.

Going home together isn't a yes

Maybe you kissed outside the pub. Maybe someone sent a filthy message before you arrived. Maybe you've been together for years.

None of that means sex is owed tonight. Someone can want a kiss, a cuddle or your company without wanting anything more. They can also change their mind after sex has started, and when they do, it stops.

Think about the person in front of you now, not the evening you'd planned in your head. A good date doesn't need a sexual finish to count as a good date.

What the law and consent actually need

Consent means someone is freely and voluntarily agreeing. Across Australia, a person who's asleep, unconscious or so affected by alcohol that they can't understand or freely agree can't consent. The exact wording of the law varies between states and territories, but the principle is the same, and being drunk yourself doesn't excuse it.

There isn't a little calculation where you count their drinks and give yourself permission. What you need is a person who can freely choose and communicate. If you're unsure, leave it for another time. Repeating the question until you get the answer you want isn't clearing anything up.

If you're the one who wants to stop, you don't need a polished explanation. You can want your clothes back on and a taxi home. That's enough.

What to look out for

Slurred speech, trouble standing, confusion, nodding off, vomiting, or not really tracking the conversation all mean the answer's no for tonight. So does someone who seems to be going along with things, without really taking part.

Silence or uncertainty isn't a reason to keep going. Nor is an erection or wetness proof that someone wants sex. Our guide to why arousal isn't consent explains that difference plainly.

A direct question fits perfectly well into a flirty evening. Ask what they want, listen, and make it easy for the answer to be no. If you both feel clear and comfortable, saying what you want during sex makes the whole thing much less of a guessing exercise.

How alcohol can affect your body and your choices

Even when you're both clear and keen after a drink or two, alcohol changes things. It can dull sensation and make orgasm harder to reach, make erections less reliable and leave you drier than usual. It can also make you less careful about condoms, and less aware of pain or injury until the next day.

If you know you're likely to want protection later, decide that before you start drinking, and keep condoms where you can find them. If a condom breaks or doesn't get used, speak to a GP, a pharmacist or a sexual health clinic as soon as you can. Emergency contraception works best when it's taken early, and post-exposure medication for HIV has to be started within 72 hours.

Leave it for another night

You can still really want someone, and decide tonight isn't the night. Arrange a safe way home, or somewhere to sleep without any expectation of sex. Tomorrow's message can be about another date. Nobody needs to rescue the evening by pushing past uncertainty.

If you're out, keep an eye on your friends and let them keep an eye on you. Share where you're going, and agree that nobody gets left behind with someone who's making them uneasy. If somebody looks seriously unwell, can't be woken or is struggling to breathe, call 000.

If something happened without your consent

It wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter how much you drank, what you wore, or whether you'd kissed them or gone home with them. You don't have to be certain about what to call it before you ask for help.

In Australia, 1800RESPECT offers free, confidential support 24 hours a day on 1800 737 732. Call 000 if you're in immediate danger. Your state's sexual assault service or a hospital can also arrange medical care and talk you through your options, and what happens next is your decision.