How to Be a Great Sub and Still Get What You Want

Here's the big secret of submission: the person on their knees is usually running the whole thing. You set the limits. You said what you wanted. You can end it all with one word. Your dom's been working very hard all evening to give you exactly what you asked for, and you're being praised for it. Honestly, it's a pretty good deal.

So being a good sub has got nothing to do with being a pushover. Here's how to do it well, and how to get what you want.

Know what you want, and say it

A lot of subs think they shouldn't have to ask, because a real dom would just know. They wouldn't, as nobody's that good. If you want your hair pulled, your dom needs to know that. It's the most useful thing you can do, and your partner will be grateful for it.

Before you start, tell them:

• What you're into, and what you've always wanted to try
• What's a hard no, and what's a maybe
• Any injuries, medical conditions or things that could set you off
• What words you love, and what words you never want to hear
• What you'll need afterwards

If you're stuck, a yes, no, maybe list does most of the work, and our negotiation guide shows you how to make that conversation hot.

Your safeword's not a failure

This is the most important part of this article. Using your safeword isn't letting anyone down. It's actually one of the most useful things you can do in a scene, since it tells your dom that they can trust you to speak up. Our safeword guide explains how it works.

Use it when something hurts in a bad way, when your hands go numb, when you get a sudden bad feeling, or when you simply don't want to continue. You don't have to justify it. A good dom will stop, check in with you and say thank you. If they sulk, make you feel guilty or keep going, you've learned something very important about them. Find someone else.

Good ways to be a brat

Being submissive doesn't have to mean quiet and obedient. Some people are "brats", who enjoy talking back, pushing buttons and being put in their place. It can be great fun, but agree on it first, and it's not the same thing as ignoring your limits. Not all doms enjoy this, and that's fine.

How to really give in

• Follow the instruction. Do what you're told, and then notice how it feels. You don't have to decide anything for a while. For many of us, it's a holiday.
• Don't perform. You don't have to moan on cue or act like someone from a movie. Your dom wants the real thing.
• Let them see you. Tell them how you feel, and respond honestly. It's the best feedback there is.
• Stay present enough to say no. You might get floaty, especially in a long scene. That is sometimes called subspace, and it feels incredible, but it also means you might not be great at judging your limits. So agree on these beforehand, and keep the first few scenes short.

Gear for submissives

Being restrained or blindfolded makes it far easier to let go, as there's nothing you can do but feel. The Sportsheets Midnight Muse cuffs are comfortable, with a lined interior and quick-connect clips. You could buy them yourself, and give them to your partner with a very clear hint. A soft satin mask costs $12.95, and it's the easiest way to start. Then there are collars, which can be very meaningful, and our collars guide goes through what they can mean. Worn loose, and for the look. Nothing should ever pull on your neck.

Don't let anyone tell you what a real sub does

There's no exam. You don't have to like pain, call anyone "sir", kneel or do any housework. You can be submissive only in the bedroom, or only sometimes, or only with one person. Watch out for anyone who says "real subs don't have limits", "you'd do this if you loved me" or "you can't use your safeword for that". They're telling you who they are. Run. Be particularly careful online, as it's full of people calling themselves doms who have no interest in your wellbeing. Meet in public, tell a friend where you're going, and go to a munch, where you can ask around about people.

Take care of yourself afterwards

Ask for what you need, whether it's a cuddle, a blanket, a chocolate biscuit or a little time alone. Our aftercare guide explains why it matters. You might feel a bit flat in the next day or two, and it's called sub drop. It's normal, it'll pass and you should tell someone about it. If it hits you hard or doesn't lift, talk to somebody you trust, or a kink-friendly counsellor.

And be honest about the scene. Tell them what you loved, and what you didn't. That's how next time gets better. Then go back to your regular life, running your team, paying your bills and making all your own decisions. You've got a secret now, and it's a very good one.