Orgasm Control: You Come When I Say So

"Not yet." Two words. They cost nothing, you can say them anywhere, and in the right moment, they can make someone absolutely lose their mind. Orgasm control is one of the simplest and hottest power games there is. One person decides when, how and whether the other person gets to come. You don't need any leather or special gear. All you need is a good sense of timing, and a bit of a cruel streak.

How does it work?

There are a few levels, and you can play with them however you like.

• Edging: Bringing someone right to the brink, then stopping. Over and over again.
• Permission: They have to ask before they can come. And you can say no.
• Denial: They don't get to come at all tonight, or until a certain time. They've got to wait, and they've got all day to think about it.
• Timed orgasms: They have to come on your countdown. "Five. Four. Not yet. Four." You can have a lot of fun with this one.
• Forced orgasms: The opposite game, where you keep going after they've come. Our guide to overstimulation covers that.

Agree on the rules first

This is meant to be frustrating, but it should be the fun kind of frustrating. So sit down first and decide how it's going to work. Who's in charge? What are they allowed to do? How long's it going to go for? Is it just for the evening, or a whole week? What happens if they come without asking? Our negotiation guide has more questions. And they need a safeword just like anybody else, so they can stop the game at any time, without having to explain themselves.

A first game to try

1. Set the rule. "You're not allowed to come until I tell you. You have to tell me when you're close."
2. Start touching them, with your hand, your mouth or a toy. Go slowly, and make them work for it.
3. When they say they're close, stop. Take your hand away. Wait until they've calmed down. Look at them. Tell them how well they're doing. A bit of praise makes this so much better.
4. Start again. Do this three or four times. You'll see the difference in their breathing, and they'll probably start to beg. Let them.
5. Give them permission. Make them ask nicely, then tell them, "Now. Come for me." It can be a very big deal.

The best toys for it

A toy with a remote is perfect, as you've got your finger on the switch. The Adam & Eve Pillow Talk Egg has seven settings, and it's controlled by a wireless remote or a button on the egg. It's got a retrieval cord, too. The Passion Play vibrating sleeve is the same idea for a cock, with 40 settings and a wireless remote. Hold it in your hand, and watch them jump. With an app-controlled toy, you can play from across town, too. Our long-distance guide explains.

A wand's the best one for edging, as you can take it away in an instant. Our wand guide shows you how to use one on someone else. Soft cuffs are another good idea, so that they can't finish the job themselves, and our restraints guide explains how.

Taking it out of the bedroom

This is where things get really interesting. Tell them in the morning that they aren't allowed to touch themselves today. Make them text you for permission. Send them to the shops with a remote toy, and hold onto the remote, at home, as long as nobody else is being involved. A week of waiting for something can make the eventual orgasm enormous. Some people like to use chastity cages for a longer version of this game. Our guide has lots of important safety information.

Things to watch for

• It's a game. It doesn't give you any control over their real life. Don't use it as a punishment for a fight, and don't hold their pleasure hostage to get something you want outside of the game.
• Keep checking in. Frustration's the point, but real distress isn't. If they're upset rather than desperate, stop.
• Sometimes they'll accidentally come. It's called a "ruined orgasm" when you stop right as they tip over, and some people love that. Otherwise, laugh, or punish them as agreed. It's supposed to be fun.
• Long-term denial isn't medically needed, and there's no great health benefit. Some men find their balls ache a bit if they're aroused for a long time and don't come. It's uncomfortable, and it goes away. Stop if there's real pain.

Who gets to play?

Anyone. All bodies, all genders. You can take turns. You can even do this to yourself. Set the rule, and try to stick to it, though you'll probably cheat. And if you're the one in charge, remember that all that power's only there because they gave it to you. Be worth it. Now, did I say you could stop reading?