Your First Munch: What to Expect at an Australian Kink Meetup

You've been reading about kink for months. You've got a FetLife profile with no photo, and you've finally worked up the nerve to go to an event. You spend an hour getting ready, wondering if you need leather. You walk into a pub in Brunswick, heart hammering, looking for a room full of people in latex. And you find 14 people in jeans and cardigans, eating chips and talking about their dogs. Welcome to a munch.

What's a munch?

A munch is a casual social get-together for people interested in kink, usually held at a pub, cafe or restaurant. That's all it is. There's no play, nobody's naked, and no one's being tied to anything. It's a chance to meet real people in a normal place, ask your questions and work out if you want to go further. The name comes from "munch", because there's usually food. It's the safest, easiest way into any kink scene, and most big Australian cities have them, along with plenty of regional towns.

How to find one

FetLife's the main site, and it's where most Australian munches are listed. Search for your city and the word "munch". Local kink, rope and BDSM groups often have a social media page or website as well, and sex-positive shops, LGBTQIA+ groups or the people at a local kink event can often point you to one. Some groups are for specific communities, including women and queer people, and those can feel a bit more comfortable if you're new.

What to wear

Whatever you'd wear to the pub. Really. It's usually held in a public place with other people around, so street clothes are the rule. Do not turn up in a collar and leash, or a latex catsuit, unless the event says that's fine. Your discreet day collar will be OK. Everyone else is going to be in jeans, and a very nice cardigan.

What actually happens?

1. Find the group. The listing usually says how to spot them, like a reserved table, a sign or an organiser's name. Tell the organiser that it's your first time. They'll usually look after you and introduce you.
2. Talk to people. You'll find people talking about kink, and you'll also find people talking about their jobs, their dogs, or how bad the parking is. Be yourself.
3. Listen. Ask about local events, classes and who runs what. Most regulars love to talk about this, and they're generally very welcoming.
4. Leave when you want. You can stay for 20 minutes and go. No one's going to mind, and you don't have to explain.

The etiquette

• Use "scene names" if people prefer. Plenty of people go by a nickname. Don't ask for someone's real name or job unless they offer.
• What happens at the munch stays at the munch. Discretion's a big deal. People's jobs and families might not know, so if you see someone at Woolies, don't bring it up. Keep it to yourself, and never post photos or name people online.
• Don't hit on everyone. It's not a pick-up joint, and treating it like one is the fastest way to get a reputation. Ask before you touch anyone, including a friendly hand on a shoulder. It's fine to mention you're looking to meet people. Just read the room.
• Keep your voice down. You're in a pub. There may be other people around who haven't signed up for a detailed talk about ball gags.
• Submissives aren't everyone's submissive. Nobody gets to order you around just because you've said you're a sub. If they do, tell the organiser.

How to stay safe

Munches are generally very safe places, but kink communities are full of ordinary people, and there are creeps there like anywhere else.

• Ask around. Reputation matters. Ask people quietly about anyone who's shown an interest in you. Do they respect limits? Has anyone had a bad experience?
• Watch out for red flags. Pushing for a private meeting straight away, saying that you don't need a safeword or claiming "real subs" do this or that are all very bad signs. Our sub guide and dom guide tell you what to look for.
• Tell a friend where you're going, and bring your own transport home.
• Take your time. You don't have to do anything. Come back next month, and get to know some faces first. Do your first scene with someone you've met several times, and tell someone where you'll be.
• Report problems. Tell the organiser, and if someone's assaulted you, it isn't your fault, and you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or go to the police.

What should you read beforehand?

You don't have to know anything, but it can help to read our guide to dominant and submissive roles and our negotiation guide, so you know the lingo. If you're going with a partner, have a chat beforehand about what you want from it.

What comes next

People who like a munch often go on to classes, like rope or impact workshops, and then perhaps to a play party or a club. Our guide to your first sex-on-premises venue covers that next step. You might also decide that you're happy to have some new friends and a very good story, and leave it at that. That's perfectly fine, too.

So take a deep breath, walk in and order some chips. There's a good chance that the woman across from you, the one in the cardigan who looks like an accountant, has the best rope collection in Victoria. You'll fit right in.