How to Be a Good Dom Without Being a Dickhead

Being a dom looks easy in the movies. You put on a suit, you stare out of a very large window, and you say something ominous about contracts. In real life, it's a lot more like being a great host at a very filthy dinner party. You've done the planning, you're watching everyone's glass, and you're making it all look effortless. The person on their knees is having a great time because you've thought of everything. And if you're doing it right, you're having a great time too.

The difference between a dom and a dickhead

A good dom's in charge because somebody handed them the reins. A dickhead simply assumes they've got them. So here's the simple test: a dom asks what you want before they start, listens during, and checks on you after. A dickhead tells you what real submissives do, ignores your limits, and goes off in a huff when you use your safeword.

If you ever hear someone say "a true sub would take this", leave. And don't ever be the one saying it.

The work happens before you start

Most of being a good dom is the conversation you have with your clothes on. Ask questions, and remember the answers.

• What do you want to feel? What are you curious about?
• What's completely off the table? What's a maybe?
• Do you want to be called anything? What can't I call you?
• What's the safeword? What's the signal if you can't talk?
• Any injuries, sore bits or triggers that I need to know about?
• What do you need afterwards?

Our kink negotiation guide goes through this in detail. Now you've got something to work with, and that's a turn-on in itself.

How to take charge

• Slow down. Authority's calm. Rushing makes you look nervous. Take your time, and make them wait. Our slow tease guide tells you how.
• Use a low voice, and short sentences. "Kneel." "Look at me." "Not yet." You don't have to be loud, and you don't have to use a special dungeon voice, either. You're allowed to sound like yourself.
• Give clear instructions. "Put your hands behind your back" is easy to follow, and hot. "Be a good slave for me" leaves them wondering what to do.
• Reward and deny. Tell them when they've done well. Praise is one of the most powerful tools you've got, and you can control when they come, or how long they wait for it.
• Have a plan, and be prepared to drop it. Know what comes next, but pay attention to what's happening right now.

Read the person in front of you

Watch their breathing, their skin and their face. Listen for changes in their voice. You're looking for the difference between a good moan and a bad silence. If someone's gone quiet, or they're holding their breath and you can't tell why, stop and ask. "What colour are you?" keeps the scene going while checking in. Green's good, yellow's slow down, and red's stop. Respect red instantly, without sulking. If you've got a person who's nonverbal because they're tied up or gagged, give them something they can do, like dropping a ball or clicking their fingers.

Know that subs can go somewhere quite floaty during a scene, and might not be able to judge their own limits very well. Then you have to be the responsible one, and that means holding back, rather than taking it further.

Know your gear

Never use anything on someone that you haven't tried on yourself or learned how to use. Learn the safe zones for impact play, and how to tie a rope cuff that won't tighten. Keep safety shears nearby, and never leave someone tied up alone. Nothing goes around the neck. Keep it simple at the start. A good pair of cuffs and the Sex & Mischief Indica crop will get you a very long way. Otherwise, the Adam & Eve Midnight Moods kit has 10 pieces, so you can find out what you like.

Aftercare is your job

The scene's not over when you put the crop down. Untie them, get them a blanket and some water, and tell them they were incredible. Stay with them until they're back. Our aftercare guide has the details. Check in the next day as well, as people can get a bit of a low, known as a "drop", and that goes for doms too. Yes, you might feel weird about having just spanked someone you love, and you get to need things as well.

You don't have to be perfect

You're going to fumble with a knot. You'll forget your lines. You'll say "good girl" and then sneeze. It happens. Laugh, and move on. Being a dom doesn't mean being infallible. If you've made a mistake, stop, apologise and fix it. It makes you more trustworthy, not less.

The best doms are fanatical about making sure that the person kneeling in front of them is having the night of their life. That's what makes them so hot. So take your time, listen hard and don't be a dickhead. They've given you the reins, and that's a hell of a thing.