Sex With a New Partner After Being Widowed or Divorced

The last time you had a first time with someone, you probably didn't own a mobile phone. You've only been with one person for 20 or 30 years. You knew exactly how their body worked, and they knew yours. Then, through a divorce or through losing them, that came to an end. Now there's someone new, and you're lying awake wondering how any of this works, whether it's too soon, and what you're meant to do about your knees.

It's a big deal, and it's normal to feel a hundred things at once. Here's some kind and honest advice on starting again.

How will I know if I'm ready?

There's no set timeline. Some people want sex within weeks, and others take years. Neither means you loved them more or less, or that your marriage was good or bad. Wanting to feel a warm body next to you, or simply to feel alive, is very human. You're ready when you want to be, for your own reasons. Other people's opinions, including your family's, don't get a vote. And if you never want to, that's fine as well.

If you've lost your partner

You may feel guilty, as if you've betrayed them. Many widowed people talk about that. You might cry during or afterwards, as sex can bring up grief in unexpected ways, and you could even find yourself saying the wrong name. It's all normal, and a kind partner will understand. Tell them a little in advance, if you'd like: "This is the first time since Paul died. I might get emotional." You can move your wedding ring, or the photos in the bedroom, or you can leave them where they are. There's no wrong way to do this. If it's too much, you can stop.

Your own bed may feel like the wrong place. You could go to their place, or to a hotel, or buy new sheets. If grief's overwhelming, Griefline is on 1300 845 745, and a counsellor can help.

If you've been through a divorce

You might be carrying some baggage from your last relationship. Perhaps you were told you were bad in bed, or you haven't been touched kindly in years, or you've been left feeling undesirable. You may also be feeling an enormous sense of freedom, and you could be about to have the time of your life. Enjoy it, and take it at your own speed. You're allowed to rediscover what you like. It might not be what you did in your marriage.

Your body's changed, and so has theirs

Nobody over 40 has the body they had at 25, and whoever you're with knows that too. They're probably worried about their own. Keep the lights low, or on, whichever you like. Keep your shirt on, if you want. Our body confidence guide has more on that.

Things may not work as they used to. After years without sex, or after menopause, penetration can be uncomfortable, so go gently and use lots of lube. Wicked Simply Natural is a gentle, fragrance-free choice. Our menopause guide and our guide to sex after a long break can help. A nervous man with a new partner may also lose his erection, and it's incredibly common. It means nothing about how he feels. Here's what to do. Our guide to sex over 60 has lots of other ideas as well.

You'll need to talk about condoms

When you were last single, you might not have had to think about this. But STIs have been rising in older Australians, and you can catch them at any age. Pregnancy might be off the table, but infections aren't. So use condoms with a new partner, and have the chat about testing. "When were you last tested? I'm getting one this week" is a good way to do it. Our STI testing guide explains how it works, and our condom guide will bring you up to date. Doctors have seen it all, and they won't blink.

How to tell them you're nervous

Say it. It's the best thing you can do. "It's been a very long time, and I'm nervous" is one of the most disarming things that you can say to someone. Odds are they'll say "Thank God, me too." Then you can both stop pretending. Talk about what you like. You might have to work that out, as you've done things one way for a long time. An awkward first time means very little, so be gentle with yourselves.

Start small

You don't have to go straight to sex. Kiss for a while. Hold hands. Spend the night together, in pyjamas. Let it build. Get to know their body, and let them get to know yours. And try exploring by yourself first, too, if you haven't for a while. You might like to buy a small vibrator, as many people find them useful after a long break. The Maia Indi is small and simple, and our first vibrator guide can help you choose. It's a good way of finding out what works for you now.

Be careful out there, and be good to yourself

Online dating's changed a lot. Meet in public, tell a friend where you're going, and be careful with anyone who's asking for money or pushing you for sex before you're ready. You never owe anyone sex for a nice dinner, or because you've gone back to their place, or because you did it last week. If someone doesn't respect that, they aren't the one.

And if it's wonderful, enjoy it. You might laugh, you might cry, and you might even find yourself grinning like an idiot in the supermarket. You've been through a lot. You're allowed to feel good again. It doesn't take anything away from what came before.