The Quickie Masterclass: Seven Minutes, Two Orgasms

Everyone's told you that good sex takes time. Light some candles, set aside the evening, do a bit of deep breathing. All very nice, and completely useless on a Wednesday, when you've got seven minutes between the washing machine finishing and someone needing to be at the dentist. A good quickie is one of the great joys of adult life. It's urgent, it's messy, half your clothes are still on, and you get to spend the whole day smirking at each other.

The secret: the warm-up starts hours ago

The reason quickies fail, particularly for people with vulvas, is that nobody's turned on when it starts. You can't go from the tax return to an orgasm in four minutes. But you can do the warm-up beforehand. Send a text at lunch. Grab them in the kitchen. Tell them what's happening at 6:40. By the time you've got your seven minutes, you've had four hours of foreplay, and everyone's ready to go. Our guide to the slow tease has plenty of ideas.

Get lube ready

You're not going to have much natural warm-up, and there's nothing quick about friction burn. Keep a small bottle of lube in the bedside drawer, or your bag, or the bathroom. A dab on everyone, and you're away. Wicked Simply Natural gets the job done, and our guide to how much lube to use will back us up.

The fastest positions

You don't need anything elaborate. You need something with very little setup, a good angle and a clear path to your clit.

• Bent over the bed or bench. Clothes barely have to come off, and it's a perfect angle. Doggy, but standing up, means nobody gets carpet burn before work.
• Edge of the bed. You're on your back, they're on their feet, and your clit's right there for your hand.
• Against the wall. It feels very urgent, although standing sex takes a bit of practice and works best if you're a similar height.
• On a chair. Unzip, sit down, climb on. Our seated sex guide has more.
• Oral, for one. You don't both have to come. A quickie can be a gift. Take turns, and you've got something to look forward to next time.

Bring your fastest friend

A strong vibrator on your clit is the best way to catch up to a person who's got a head start. Plenty of people with clits can get there in a few minutes with the right toy. The Fun Factory MEA uses air pulses, and it's small enough to keep in a bedside table. The Maia Kona packs a very strong motor into a very small body, too. Our guide to using a vibrator during sex explains how to get it in between you.

The seven-minute plan

• Minute 0: Door shut, phone down. Kiss them like you've been waiting all day, because you have.
• Minute 1: Hands everywhere. Only remove the clothes that are absolutely in the way.
• Minute 2: Lube. Toy out. Get into position.
• Minutes 3 to 5: Vibrator on, or a hand, or both. Whoever's got the longest way to go gets priority.
• Minutes 5 to 7: Go for it. Tell them what you want, loudly if you're allowed. This week's line is a good one.
• Minute 7: Fix your hair. You've got something on your shirt. Go to the dentist with a very strange expression on your face.

Make it fair

A quickie can be a great gift, but if it's always one person coming while the other's left wondering what happened, that gets old very fast. If you're not going to get there, say so. "I owe you tonight" should be followed up. And a quickie shouldn't be the only sex you're having, unless that's what you both want. Long, slow sex is great too, as is scheduling it.

A note on condoms and clean-up

Being in a hurry is exactly when people forget about condoms. Put them where you can reach them, and don't let the rush make the decision for you. And yes, there's going to be a mess, so keep a towel or some tissues handy. Make sure you've got a plan for what's on your shirt. It's Wednesday, and you've got a dentist to see.