Dirty Talk: What to Say When You're Horny and Your Mouth Isn't Helping

You can want someone so badly your teeth hurt, and still hear yourself say "thanks for that" at a deeply unsuitable moment. The desire's doing fine. Your vocabulary has apparently gone to the pub.

Dirty talk doesn't take a gravelly voice, a filthy monologue or the confidence of a bloke selling a jet ski. It starts with putting some of what you're already thinking into words your partner wants to hear. And you've already got the thoughts. You've been having them all day.

Start by saying something true

The easiest line is one you actually mean, said out loud, a bit closer to their ear than usual.

• "I've been thinking about you all day."
• "You look bloody good in that. I want it off you."
• "I want you."
• "Fuck, that feels good."

Short, direct and much hotter than asking what time the alarm needs to be set. You don't need a line clever enough to win an award. You're telling one person that you want them, and the fact that it's them is doing most of the work.

Borrowed phrases are the big danger here. A line from porn can be a spectacular mood-killer if it sounds nothing like you. If you normally talk like someone from Wagga, keep talking like someone from Wagga. Suddenly sounding like a stern pirate is a big change for everyone involved.

Tell them what's going to happen

This is the secret weapon, and it's easier than it sounds. Describe what you're about to do, and then do it. Your partner gets to hear it, want it and wait for it, and all you've had to do is narrate your own plans.

• "When we get home, I'm going to take my time with you."
• "I'm going to kiss all the way down, and you're not allowed to hurry me."
• "I want to feel you come on my tongue."
• "I'm going to make you wait for this."

Say one of these at the supermarket, quietly, next to the frozen peas. Watch what it does to the rest of the shopping trip.

Say what you like while it's happening

This is dirty talk and instructions at the same time, so you get what you want and they get to hear how well it's going. It's the most useful sentence in the whole bedroom.

• "Don't stop. Right there."
• "Harder. Yes. Like that."
• "More of that."
• "I love how you feel inside me."
• "I'm so close. Don't you dare change a thing."

Nobody needs to rename every body part until sex sounds like an extremely dodgy poetry reading. If you say cock, say cock. If you say something else, say that. Silence followed by a mysterious nod leaves a lot to the imagination, and not in the good way.

Get a bit bossier, if that's your thing

For some couples, the fun's in being much more forward than usual. "Come here." "On your knees." "Look at me while you do that." "You don't come until I say so." None of those needs a speech attached, and all of them can stop a person in their tracks.

If you enjoy giving or taking orders, say so. A bossy tone can be incredibly sexy when you both want it. Springing insults or names on someone is a different matter, so have the quick conversation first, ideally with your clothes on: "Is there anything you'd like me to call you? Anything you'd hate?" Some people want to be called filthy. Others would call a taxi. And if the answer's "not my thing", that's where it stays.

Not into bossy? Keep it warm. Wanting to hear that your partner's wild about you is hardly a failure of imagination.

Specific beats a rehearsed speech

A compliment about something you actually noticed lands very differently from a line you could say to absolutely anyone. Their mouth. What they did last Tuesday. The way they looked up at you. The thing they said earlier that you're still thinking about.

"I haven't stopped thinking about what you did with your hands last night" gives you far more to work with than a vague announcement that you're feeling sensual. One sounds like a person with a memory. The other sounds like a candle advertisement.

If a line comes out weird, laugh

Sometimes the sentence in your head comes out like a complaint about the plumbing. That doesn't mean the night's stuffed.

Laugh, kiss them and carry on. You don't need to apologise for the next ten minutes or retire your voice for good. Someone who already knows your terrible jokes isn't expecting Shakespeare with his trousers off.

If they really don't like a phrase, drop it. You can find other words, or enjoy yourselves with less talking. Nobody owes you enthusiasm for a particular line. And there's no compulsory rehearsal in the bathroom mirror, although you're welcome to try it, if you lock the door.

Start it hours before you get to bed

A private message in the middle of the day gives you somewhere to start later. It doesn't have to be filthy. It's just a lot more interesting than most of your recent messages, which have been about groceries. "I want you tonight" sent at 2 pm does a whole afternoon's worth of work.

If writing's easier than speaking, our sexting guide helps you find the words. Keep it to a willing recipient and a private moment, rather than providing surprise entertainment during their work meeting. Our guide to flirting in a long-term relationship has more ideas.

If you'd like a cheeky excuse to get started, a game does the talking for you. Spin for Sex has 25 activity cards and a spinner, so somebody has to read something rude out loud and it's not your fault. Have a look through all our adult games, and the sex games guide helps you pick one.

You don't have to become brilliant at this. Saying one honest, slightly filthy thing that makes your partner's breath catch is a far better start than a flawless sentence that neither of you believes.