Dirty Talk When You're Horny but Your Mouth Isn't Helping

You can fancy the pants off someone and still hear yourself say “lovely stuff” at a deeply unsuitable moment. Desire is doing fine. Your vocabulary has apparently gone to the pub.

Dirty talk doesn't require a gravelly voice, a filthy monologue or the confidence of a bloke selling a jet ski. It starts with putting some of that desire into words your partner actually wants to hear. You get to sound like yourself, just a little less polite.

Say what you mean, not what sounds like porn

The easiest place to start is something true. “I've been thinking about you all day.” “You look bloody good in that.” “I want you.” Short, direct and considerably warmer than asking what time the alarm needs to be set.

You don't need a line clever enough to win an award. You're telling one person you fancy them. The fact that it's them is doing a lot of the work.

A borrowed phrase can be a spectacular mood-killer if it sounds nothing like you. If you normally speak in your own voice, keep it. Suddenly sounding like a stern pirate is a big change for everyone involved.

Get a little bossier, if that's your thing

For some couples, the fun is being more forward than usual. “Come here” or “I want your attention” can carry plenty of intent without a speech attached.

If you enjoy giving or taking direction, say so. A bossy tone can be sexy when both people want it; springing insults or unwanted labels on someone is a different matter. Have the quick conversation about those words before trying them.

Ordinary language is allowed to stay ordinary, too. “More of that” is a useful sentence. Nobody needs to rename every body part until sex sounds like an extremely dodgy poetry reading.

Not into bossiness? Keep it warm and flirty. Wanting to hear that your partner fancies you is hardly a failure of imagination.

Specific beats a rehearsed speech

A compliment about something you genuinely noticed lands differently from a line you could say to absolutely anyone. Their smile. The lingerie they chose. The thing they said earlier that you're still thinking about.

“I haven't stopped thinking about last night” gives you more to work with than a vague announcement that you're feeling sensual. One sounds like a person with a memory. The other sounds like a candle advertisement.

You can say what you enjoy, too. “I love that” and “keep doing that” are clear, useful words. They leave your partner with rather less guessing to do than silence followed by a mysterious nod.

If speaking feels harder than texting, our sexting guide covers putting the flirting in a message. Keep it to a willing recipient and a private moment, rather than providing surprise entertainment during their work meeting.

If a line comes out weird, you can laugh

Sometimes the sentence you had in your head comes out like a complaint about the plumbing. That doesn't mean the night is stuffed.

Laugh, kiss them and carry on. You don't need to apologise for the next ten minutes or promise to retire your voice permanently. A partner who already knows your terrible jokes probably isn't expecting Shakespeare with his trousers off.

If they genuinely don't like a phrase, drop it. You can find other words, or enjoy yourselves with less talking. Nobody owes you enthusiasm for a particular line.

And there's no compulsory rehearsal in the bathroom mirror. You're trying to flirt with your partner, not applying for a job at a phone-sex hotline.

Bring the flirting out of the bedroom

A private compliment earlier in the day gives you somewhere to start later. It doesn't need to be filthy. Letting your partner know you still fancy them is quite enough, especially when most of your recent messages have involved groceries.

Our guide to flirting in a long-term relationship has more ideas for that. Want a cheeky excuse to make the first move? A couples game gives you something to react to together; the sex games guide helps you pick one.

You don't have to become brilliant at dirty talk. Saying something honest that makes your partner grin is a much better start than delivering a flawless sentence neither of you believes.