Can't Come From Penetration Alone? Neither Can Most of Us, So Bring Your Clit

The fucking feels great. You're having a very good time. But the enormous, thrashing, simultaneous orgasm that every sex scene ever made has promised you still hasn't turned up. So you've started wondering what you're doing wrong.

Nothing. Many people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to come, and penetration by itself may not give you the touch you want the most. That's not a fault. It's very useful information, and it means you've got a much easier path to coming than you thought.

Your clit doesn't need to sit this one out

The clitoris has external and internal parts, and people differ in the pressure and contact they love. A cock or dildo moving inside you may only give it a passing glance. Our clitoris guide explains what's in there.

If touching your clit gets you off on your own, bring that touch to your partner. It doesn't become cheating because someone else is in the room. You can also enjoy penetration without wanting to come from it. Great can simply be great.

Bring in what you already love

Use your own hand, guide theirs or add an external vibrator. A Maia KONA takes up very little room between you, and being filled while something strong works your clit can be a real eye-opener. Our guide to using a vibrator during sex shows you how to make room, and our clitoral vibrator range has lots of shapes.

Positions can help as well. Being on top lets you grind your clit against them, and so does coital alignment. A toy adds a new feeling, not a guaranteed result, so choose one you want to use, not a supposed cure for the way you're made.

Tell your partner what to keep doing

"Lighter", "a little higher" and "keep that pace" are far easier to follow than "do it better". If you like steady pressure, say so before an enthusiastic partner starts changing everything. Variety's great when you want it. When you're two strokes away from coming, it's a crime. Our guide to talking about toys helps if you're nervous about raising it.

Drop the running commentary

"Are you close?" can be a genuine question. Asked repeatedly, it starts to sound like someone wants an estimated arrival time. Ask for attention on what feels good instead. You can pause, stop or change activities without apologising for an orgasm that hasn't happened. Our orgasm pressure guide has more.

Get help if something's changed or hurts

If coming has become harder in a new or distressing way, or sex hurts, talk to a GP or sexual-health clinician. Health conditions and medicines can both play a part.

But if clit stimulation is simply what you like, give it a proper place in your sex life. You're allowed to enjoy the thing that actually makes you come.