Choking During Sex: The Real Risks and What to Do Instead

Choking has gone from a rare, extreme practice to something a lot of people now assume is part of ordinary sex, largely because of porn and social media. Many people have been choked by a partner without being asked. Others enjoy it, or wonder why they're curious about it. We sell a lot of kinky gear and we're very much in favour of consensual kink, so we're not writing this to judge anyone. But you deserve the facts, because this one's different.

There's no safe way to choke someone. Here's why, and what to do instead.

What actually happens

When people say "choking" during sex, they usually mean putting pressure on the neck, or strangulation. It doesn't have to feel hard to be dangerous. The neck holds the arteries and veins that carry blood to and from your brain, along with your airway and some very delicate structures.

• Your brain can be affected in seconds. Reduced blood flow can cause someone to pass out within seconds. The dizzy, floaty feeling people describe is a sign of your brain being starved of oxygen.
• Light pressure is still risky. It takes much less pressure than most people think to restrict the blood flow, and there's no reliable way to know how much is too much.
• Damage isn't always visible. There may be no marks at all. But strangulation can cause brain injury, damage to arteries and stroke, sometimes hours or days afterwards. Research suggests that repeated strangulation can cause changes in the brain, including problems with memory and mood.
• It can kill. Death can happen quickly, and without warning, even when nobody meant any harm and everything had seemed fine before.

Unlike a spanking, you can't build up a tolerance to this, and knowing what you're doing doesn't remove the risk. Someone who's passing out can't use a safeword, either. This is why we don't include it in our kink guides, why we tell people that nothing should go around the neck, and why we don't teach a "safe way" to do it. There isn't one.

What about consent and the law?

You can't consent your way out of the physical risk. Non-fatal strangulation is a specific criminal offence in many parts of Australia, and it's taken very seriously, as it's a major warning sign in domestic violence. Laws differ between states and territories, and consent may not protect you if somebody's seriously hurt. If you've ever choked someone during sex, and you thought it was fine, please take this on board. If you're unsure about the law where you live, talk to a lawyer or Legal Aid.

If it's been done to you

If a partner has choked you during sex and you hadn't agreed to it, that isn't OK, and it isn't your fault. Many people freeze, and many only realise later how they feel about it. You're allowed to be upset, and you're allowed to tell them never to do it again. If you don't feel safe, you can talk to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 at any time. If someone's choked you during an argument or as a threat, please take it very seriously, as it's a known risk factor for serious harm. Help is available, even if you aren't ready to leave.

When to get medical help

See a doctor or go to an emergency department if you've been choked, even if you feel fine, and particularly if you lost consciousness, wet yourself or have any of these: a hoarse voice, pain when swallowing, breathing problems, neck pain, a bad headache, dizziness, blurred vision, weakness, confusion, or tiny red spots on your face or eyes. Symptoms can show up later. Call 000 in an emergency. Doctors will treat you with care, and you don't have to report anything to the police if you don't want to.

If you like the idea

You're not weird. Many people find this idea exciting, and it's worth working out what it is that you want, because there may be much safer ways to get it.

• If you like being dominated or feeling powerless: Try having your wrists pinned, being held by your hips or being told what to do. Our guide to dominant and submissive roles has many ideas, and soft restraints on your wrists give you that helpless feeling.
• If you like a hand near your neck: A firm hand on the collarbone or the upper chest, with no pressure on the neck, or a hand in your hair, can feel very similar for many people.
• If you like the floaty, altered feeling: Long, slow teasing and edging can give you an intense head rush. So can being blindfolded, and impact play can produce a natural endorphin rush that some people describe as floating.
• If you like the intensity of being overwhelmed: Try consensual overstimulation.
• If you like what it says: "You're mine" is something you can say with your voice. Dirty talk does an awful lot here, and our guide will help.

Talking to a partner

If your partner wants to choke you and you don't want that, a simple "Nothing on my neck, please" is a complete sentence. You can try "I love it when you hold my wrists instead". If they keep going, that's a serious sign. And if you want to do it to someone, because you've seen it in porn, you might like to ask what they actually want. Our negotiation guide gives you the words. Here's what else porn gets wrong.

This is general information, not medical or legal advice. Our kink guides are all about having a great time, and being around to do it again.