Tradie Fantasy: Why Hi-Vis Is Such a Massive Turn-On

There's a bloke on your roof. He's got a tan that stops at the sleeves, forearms like fence posts and a pencil behind his ear. You've suddenly decided that you need a cup of tea, out the back, where you've got a pretty good view of him. You've never in your life been this interested in guttering. He's probably married to someone called Kylie, and he's thinking about his lunch. It doesn't matter. Welcome to one of the great Australian sexual fantasies, the tradie in hi-vis.

Why does it work so well?

• Competence. Here's someone who can fix things, and he knows what he's doing. Watching a person who's very good with their hands is a real turn-on. It's so common, we wrote a whole article about competence.
• The body. That body comes from carrying things, not from a mirror at the gym. Sweat, tan lines, big hands and a bit of a gut. It's real.
• The uniform. Boots, stubbies, a singlet and a shirt that's the brightest thing you've ever seen. Our guide to uniforms explains why those clothes make such a difference.
• The set-up. It's the oldest plot in the world. You're home alone. There's a leak. "Sorry, I haven't got any money. I don't suppose there's another way I can pay you?" It's so ridiculous, and it works so well.
• A bit of class play. The office worker and the bloke who gets his hands dirty is a fantasy as old as time. Being "a bit rough" can have a very specific appeal.

And don't forget that it works the other way round, too. Plenty of people get just as hot and bothered about a woman in steel caps who can back a trailer. If you've ever seen a sparky named Jess fix your switchboard, you know what I'm talking about. Women tradies are the fantasy that we should all be talking about more.

How to play it out

You don't need a real leak. You need some boots and a sense of humour.

1. Set the scene. One of you's the homeowner, the other's the tradie. Agree beforehand on what's on and off the table. Our guide to roleplay has everything you need, and our negotiation guide has the questions to ask.
2. Get the gear. Hi-vis shirt from the hardware store, about $20. Work boots. A tool belt, if you've got one. If your partner really is a tradie, tell them not to shower straight after work. Here's our guide to the appeal of sweat.
3. Knock on the door. Yes, your own door. Your partner answers in something they shouldn't be wearing. A bodystocking under a dressing gown is the classic choice.
4. Say your lines. Keep them short, as you're a tradie, not a poet. Here are a few to get you started:
   • "G'day. Heard you've got a problem with your pipes."
   • "Yeah, nah, that's gonna be a big job."
   • "I'll have to have a look at it first."
   • "Who did this work? You've been messed around."
   • "I can get you in on Thursday." (Pause.) "Or I could do it now."
   • "I'll need you to hold this."
5. Quote them for the job. Discussing the price is half the fun. "That'll be $400, plus GST. Unless you can think of something." Crack up, and move on.

Where to do it: The kitchen bench is the obvious place, as you've just been checking under the sink. Bent over the laundry tub is a good one, too. Check that the bench can take the weight, and that you aren't in view of the street. Hi-vis might be bright, but you don't want to be seen.

Some extras

A pair of latex gloves makes a handy prop. A tool belt with some extra surprises in it could be a nice touch. Keep real tools out of it, for God's sake. Keep them well away from your body, and use a real vibrator instead. A good wand looks like it might have come out of a toolbox, and it does a much better job. Don't use power tools, drills or anything that isn't made for bodies. It's a real emergency department story, and not in a good way.

Things to keep in mind

Leave real tradies alone. The bloke who's actually on your roof is at work, and he hasn't signed up for your fantasy. Don't answer the door in a towel, proposition him or make him uncomfortable. It's sexual harassment, and it's just as bad when it's done to a man, or a woman, who's only there to do a job. Enjoy the view, and make him a cup of tea. You can keep your thoughts to yourself. That's what thoughts are for.

If you're dating a real tradie, don't assume that they want to play at work. Some would love it, and some would rather never see another hi-vis shirt as soon as they get home. Ask. Also, your partner's work gear is covered in things that you shouldn't be rubbing on your bits, including dust and chemicals. Wash it first, or just buy a clean one. Remember to take the boots off before you get on the bed. Nobody wants that on the doona.

And the bill

When it's over, you should leave a five-star review. Say that the work was prompt and clean, and that he left the site tidy. He'll probably turn up three days late for the next job, and leave a ute in your driveway. Some things about the fantasy are just a little too realistic. Good on ya.