How to Talk About Trying Sex Toys With Your Partner

Introducing sex toys into a relationship is something many people find exciting, but it can also feel awkward or even uncomfortable to bring up. The conversation is not always easy, but it does not have to be difficult either. The trick is to approach it with honesty, care, and an understanding that both people are navigating something new.

Think about it this way: bringing up sex toys isn't a performance review. You're not evaluating your relationship. You're just sharing an idea — your interest — and inviting your partner into the conversation. The fact that you're reading this means you're already thinking about doing it thoughtfully, and that's half the battle.

Choosing the Right Moment

Timing matters with conversations about sex toys. Choose a time when both people have privacy, capacity to talk and no pressure to decide immediately. A relaxed, neutral setting where both people have the space to think and respond without pressure can be useful.

You do not need a formal "we need to talk" setup. A casual approach works best. A simple "I came across something and thought it might be fun" opens the door without making the conversation feel like a big relationship decision. If the other person is not in the mood to discuss it at that moment, let it go and try again later. Pressuring someone to engage in a conversation about sex toys when they are tired, distracted, or stressed can create the opposite of the effect you want.

Starting the Conversation

How you begin the conversation sets the tone for everything that follows. The key thing is to be honest about your interest without making the other person feel like they are being asked to perform or comply.

Some effective conversation starters include:

• "I was reading about sex toys the other day and I'd be curious to try something. Would you be open to exploring that?"
• "I've been thinking about trying something new in the bedroom. Have you ever thought about using sex toys together?"
• "I found this toy and it made me think of you. I'm not expecting anything, but I'd love to hear your thoughts."
• "What do you think about adding a sex toy to our sex life? Even just looking at them together could be fun."

Each of these approaches expresses your own interest, asks for the other person's opinion, and makes clear that there's no expectation of compliance. That last bit is particularly important.

No Pressure

The principle in this conversation is that neither partner owes the other experimentation. Your interest in a sex toy does not give you the right to insist that your partner participates. Your partner's reluctance does not mean they do not want to be sexual with you — it may simply mean they are not interested in toys, or they are nervous about them, or they are not ready.

When you express your interest in a sex toy, make it clear that you are sharing your thoughts, not making a request. Phrases like "I'd love to try" are different from "I want us to try." The first is an expression of personal interest. The second is an expectation of the other person. There is nothing wrong with wanting to try something, but it is important that the other person knows they are not required to share that desire.

If your partner says "no" or "not right now," accept the answer. Do not try to persuade them. Do not argue. Do not suggest that they are "ruining the mood" or "being closed-minded." A reluctance to try sex toys is not a problem to be solved; it is a boundary to be respected.

Accepting "No"

How you respond to a "no" will shape the rest of your relationship dynamics, particularly in future discussions about sex and intimacy.

A good response to a "no" is simple: "No problem at all. Thanks for being honest. We can talk about it again another time if you want, but no pressure." This accepts the answer without argument, thanks the other person for their honesty, and leaves the door open for a future conversation without making one necessary.

A poor response to a "no" is anything that tries to change the other person's mind. "But it won't cost much," "Everyone does it," "You might really like it," "I'm not happy with this," or "If you loved me, you'd try it" — all of these responses put pressure on the other person and make future conversations harder. They also communicate that your interest matters more than their comfort, which is not a healthy dynamic in any relationship.

Exploring Preferences Together

If your partner is open to the idea, the next step is exploring what you are both interested in. This does not need to be a structured discussion. It can simply involve browsing a website together, looking at a shop, or sharing articles or product pages that catch your attention.

Use this time to talk about what appeals to each of you and what does not. Some people are attracted to a specific type of toy — a vibrator, a strap-on, a massage device — while others are more cautious and prefer to start with something small and simple. Let the conversation guide the direction rather than trying to fit both people into the same plan.

If your partner is interested but does not know where to start, that is normal. Starting with something general — "Let's just look at what's out there without buying anything" — removes the pressure to commit.

Choosing Together

If both people are interested in buying a sex toy, choosing one together is a good way to ensure both people are comfortable with the decision. You do not have to agree on every detail — one person can pick the toy and the other can pick the style, or vice versa — but the final choice should feel like a joint decision rather than a decision made by one person and presented to the other as a fait accompli.

Consider practical factors like budget, size, material, and ease of use. Let practical considerations guide the decision rather than trying to find the "best" toy — the best toy is the one both people are comfortable with.

If your partner is not comfortable choosing a toy in person or browsing a sex shop website alone, there are ways around this. You can browse together on a shared device, or one person can choose and then show the other before purchasing. The goal is to ensure both people are comfortable with the final decision.

Revisiting Preferences

Your preferences about sex toys may change over time. What seemed exciting today may not feel appealing in a few months. What seemed intimidating six months ago may now feel like a natural part of your sex life. This is normal and expected.

Check in with each other periodically. If your partner tried a sex toy and loved it, ask if they would like to try something else. If they tried something and did not enjoy it, ask why and whether there is a different type of toy that might work better. If they have not tried anything yet, check whether they are still not interested, or whether that has changed.

Do not assume that one conversation covers everything. Introducing sex toys into a relationship is often a process, not a single decision. Some people need time to think about it, to learn about it, and to become comfortable with the idea before they are ready to try it. Respect that timeline and do not rush it.

Privacy

Sex toys are personal items, and privacy is an important consideration, particularly if you live with family members, flatmates, or others who may not be aware of your interest.

Discuss how the toy will be stored, how it will be transported if you travel, and how it will be kept discreet. Some people have a dedicated drawer or box for storing sex toys. Others prefer to store them in a bag or case that does not immediately reveal their contents. If you travel together, consider using a neutral bag or case and keeping the toy in your luggage rather than your partner's bag.

Discuss who knows about the toy. If you have a close friend who is comfortable with sex toys and would be a good person to confide in, that can be a helpful source of support. But do not share information about your sex life with other people without the other person's consent.

Simple First Choices

Choose together based on both people's preferences, boundaries, product instructions and practical requirements. No universal best first toy. Complex products or products that require assembly may not suit every situation. Choose based on what both people are comfortable with.

Some people find that starting with a toy designed for couples — a vibrator that can be worn during partnered sex, or a toy that both people can touch and enjoy simultaneously — makes the introduction smoother than starting with a solo-use toy that one person holds for the other.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my partner is embarrassed by the idea?

Sometimes just knowing the topic is open is enough — your partner may think about it and come back to it later.

What if my partner says they don't need sex toys?

That's a valid response. Sex toys are optional — not requirements for a satisfying sex life. If your partner is happy with your sex life together, you can still explore toys individually or revisit the topic later.

How do I know if my partner is just being polite?

If your partner seems uncertain, ask an open question that gives them space to answer honestly. If they still seem hesitant, accept that and do not press. People often take time to process new ideas.

Can I buy a sex toy without talking about it first?

It is usually better to talk first. If you bring a sex toy home unexpectedly, your partner may feel surprised. A conversation before the purchase gives both people the chance to discuss expectations, concerns, and boundaries.

What if we both try a sex toy and it doesn't work?

That is fine. Sex toys are not magic — they do not guarantee a better sex life, and they do not work for everyone. If a toy does not appeal to you, put it away and try something else. Or do not try another toy at all. The experiment was worthwhile because it gave you both information about what works and what does not. That is more useful than nothing.

If you'd like to explore sex toys as a couple, our sex toys for couples article covers the basics, and our kits collection includes products designed specifically for shared play.