Want to Try Bondage? How to Tell Them You Want to Be Tied Up

You keep looking at the cuffs. Your partner thinks you're comparing phone cases. And every night you lie there beside them, imagining your wrists tied to the bedhead and their mouth moving slowly down your stomach, and you say absolutely nothing. It's time you said something.

You don't need a solemn announcement over dinner. You just need to work out which bit turns you on: being restrained, doing the restraining, letting them take charge or finding out how bossy your very polite partner can get.

Say the part that gets you hot

"I want to try cuffs with you" gives them a clear idea of what's on your mind. "I've been thinking we should explore our relationship" sounds like you're about to suggest a podcast.

So be specific. "I keep thinking about you holding my hands down." "I'd love to tie you up and make you wait." You don't have to declare yourself a dom or a sub before you've tried anything. You can just want to be told what to do for a while. Or want to do the telling. That's more than enough to start with.

Choose a moment when you're both relaxed and nobody's expecting an instant performance. A quiet night in gives you time to flirt about it. Pulling out restraints halfway through sex and hoping for enthusiasm skips a fairly important step.

Explain what you mean by bondage

You say bondage and think padded cuffs. They picture ropes, ceiling hooks and a room you definitely don't have. No wonder it's gone quiet. So explain the actual idea: "Just the cuffs, and you take charge" sounds very different.

Ask which parts appeal to them. They may love being bossy but hate the thought of being tied up themselves. Or you may find out you've both been assuming the other wanted to be in charge. Well, shit. That's a useful thing to learn before the cuffs arrive. Our guide to talking about toys helps if the words keep sticking.

Shop together

Once you know what you both want, browse blindfolds or wrist and ankle cuffs together. The WhipSmart Classic Furry Cuffs come with a satin blindfold and look cheeky, not scary, which can make a nervous "maybe" turn into a grin. Being unable to see and being unable to move are different things, and someone who loves the idea of one may not want the other.

If the answer's no, leave it there. If it's maybe, give it time. You want someone who's keen, not someone who's finally tired of being asked.

Keep your first session simple

You both want the cuffs. Excellent. That doesn't mean your first night also needs a gag, a paddle and a convincing dungeon accent. Choose purpose-made restraints you can undo quickly, keep them comfortably loose, and take them off immediately for pain, numbness or tingling. Stay with your partner, and stop as soon as either of you wants to.

Our first bondage kit guide helps you choose gear around the part you're actually into, and even a short first try can tell you a lot.

You can also laugh. Dropping a cuff while trying to look commanding doesn't cancel the evening. Pick it up, admit your smooth entrance needs work, and carry on. Bossy and funny are allowed in the same person.

Afterwards, ask what got them going

Get comfortable and ask what they liked. Was it wearing the cuffs, watching you put them on, or having someone else decide what happened? The answer helps you keep what worked. Maybe they'll want the same again, or maybe they'll want their hands free and the bossiness left in. Our aftercare guide covers looking after each other.

If it all ends up being one pair of cuffs and a partner with a surprisingly filthy grin, you've got plenty to work with.