Sex After Birth: When You're Ready and How to Go Gently

You may have heard that you can have sex again six weeks after giving birth. That's when many people have their postnatal check, and it's become a kind of deadline. It isn't. For some people, six weeks feels fine. For many others, it could be months, or longer. You've been through something enormous, you're exhausted, and your body's still recovering. You get to decide when you're ready. Nobody else does.

When is it safe?

Your doctor or midwife can tell you when your body's healed enough. It's generally recommended that you wait until any bleeding has stopped, and any tears or stitches have healed, so there's a lower risk of infection. That's a medical minimum, though. It's not a target. Being physically healed doesn't mean you're ready, and you don't have to be in any hurry.

Why you might not feel like it

It's very common for sex to be the last thing on your mind. There are a lot of reasons for that:

• Exhaustion. Broken sleep is hard on everyone.
• Hormones. Lower oestrogen after birth and during breastfeeding can reduce your desire, and leave your vagina drier and thinner.
• Pain. From tears, stitches, a caesarean scar or a pelvic floor that's been through a lot.
• Being touched out. If you've been holding and feeding someone all day long, you may not want anyone else to touch you.
• Your body image. You may feel like a stranger in your own body.
• Your mental health. Postnatal depression and anxiety are common, and they can affect anyone, including partners.
• The birth itself. If it was frightening, you may have strong feelings about your body or about being touched.

If you're having pain

Some discomfort when you start again is common, but ongoing pain isn't something you should have to put up with. It doesn't have to be your new normal. See your GP, and ask about seeing a pelvic health physiotherapist. They can help with scars, tight or weak muscles, leaking and pain, and it's often very effective. Our guide to pelvic floor physio explains how it works, and our guide to painful sex has more on what can help.

When you're ready to try

• Start with no pressure. Kissing, a cuddle or a shared shower can all be enough. You don't have to have penetrative sex at all. Our guide to non-penetrative sex has some ideas.
• Use lube, and a lot of it. Dryness is very common, especially if you're breastfeeding, and it can be surprising how much difference it makes. Wicked Simply Natural is gentle and fragrance free. Our dryness guide has more, and your doctor can talk to you about vaginal oestrogen if needed.
• Stay in control. Try being on top, or lying on your side, so you decide how far things go. Our depth guide might help.
• Go slowly, and stop if it hurts. Tell your partner what's OK. You can stop at any time.
• Use something to protect your breasts if you need to. Your breasts may be tender, and they may leak when you get aroused. A bra's fine, or a towel, and it's nothing to worry about.

Contraception

You can get pregnant again surprisingly quickly, sometimes even before your periods come back, and even when you're breastfeeding. So if you don't want to, talk to your doctor or midwife about contraception before you start having sex again. Many options are safe while breastfeeding, and they can help you choose. Condoms are an easy place to start, and they also work with water-based lube.

Talking with your partner

You might feel guilty, or your partner might feel rejected, and you could end up never talking about it. So say something. "I still love you. I'm not ready yet, and it's not about you. Can we find other ways to be close?" That can make a big difference. Partners, your job here is patience. Don't count the weeks, and don't sulk. A kind partner who's looking after things around the house is doing more for your sex life than you could ever imagine. Do the washing. Hold them without any expectations. Nobody owes anybody sex, and that doesn't change after having a baby. If you're feeling pressured or unsafe, 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732.

Partners may have their own feelings as well, particularly if the birth was frightening. It's OK to need time, and to seek support for yourself.

Finding time and getting back to yourselves

Our guide to intimacy after parenthood has more ideas about getting close again when you've got no time and no sleep. Remember that things may not be the same as before. Your body's changed, and you may like different things now. It's OK to find that out slowly. And it's normal if it takes a year or more for things to feel good again.

Where to get help

Your GP, midwife or child health nurse is a good place to start. PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia) is on 1300 726 306. If you're struggling with how you're feeling, please don't wait. The Pelvic Floor First website, from the Continence Foundation of Australia, is a useful place to find out more about your pelvic floor, as is the Australian Breastfeeding Association on 1800 686 268. This is general information, not medical advice. Your own recovery is what matters.