Sex After Becoming Parents: Remember When You Used to Want Each Other?

You finally get a quiet evening together. One of you suggests an early night. The other needs to know if that means sex or actual sleep, because they can't physically do both. You remember that you used to rip each other's clothes off in the hallway. Now you have long conversations about the bins and who last changed the sheets.

Becoming parents can change your privacy, energy and desire. You can still want each other while being completely knackered. Finding your way back doesn't take a grand gesture. It usually takes a kiss that doesn't have to go anywhere, and someone else doing the dishes.

Say what you need: rest, privacy or a break from touch

Being exhausted isn't the same as not wanting your partner. Feeling touched out isn't the same as never wanting affection again. If someone's been needed by everyone all day, they may need a bit of time to feel like their body's theirs again.

So name what's happening. You might want a kiss without a hand immediately heading south, or some time alone before you're keen on anything. If your levels of desire differ, our different sex drives guide can help you talk about it without it becoming a contest.

Flirt without promising a shag

A proper kiss, a private compliment or a cheeky text can remind you that you're lovers as well as co-managers of a very busy household. Grab their arse in the kitchen. Tell them what you'd do if you had an hour.

Keep those gestures welcome, though. If every cuddle becomes an attempt to start sex, the person who only wanted a cuddle will start avoiding them. You can say you want someone and still be too tired tonight.

Share the jobs

If one of you is carrying most of the parenting and housework, a candle won't sort that out. Talk about who does what, and fix it. Doing your share isn't payment for sex, and nobody owes you a blowjob because you found the washing basket without help. But it's amazing how much more interested someone gets when they're not exhausted and resentful.

Protect your adult time, and keep it flexible

Arrange safe childcare or a truly private moment when the kids are looked after. If you get an hour alone, you don't have to spend it on sex. Our scheduled intimacy guide explains how to make space without booking a compulsory sex appointment. And sometimes a quick one is all you've got time for. Those can be surprisingly hot.

Keep toys and supplies securely stored out of kids' reach. A Fun Factory Toybag inside a high or lockable spot works well, and our storage guide has more. When you're short on time, a bullet vibrator gets things done very efficiently, and our non-penetrative sex ideas are great for when that's all you've got in you.

After birth, let recovery set the pace

Follow the guidance from your maternity or health-care team. A postnatal check isn't a deadline for getting back to sex. Stop for pain, and talk to a clinician if it keeps happening. Use plenty of lube, as hormones can make things drier for a while, especially during breastfeeding.

Pregnancy can happen before periods come back, so talk about contraception before you start again if you want to avoid another one.

You don't have to become the couple you were before. You get to find out what the two of you enjoy now.