Impact Play for Beginners: Spanking Your Way Up

It starts with a little slap on the bum during doggy. They laugh. You do it again, a bit harder, and they stop laughing and say "again". Congratulations: you've discovered impact play, and neither of you is ever going to look at a wooden spoon the same way again.

Impact play means hitting someone, with their enthusiastic agreement, for the sheer filthy fun of it. It might be a playful swat, or a full session with a flogger and a safeword. Pain, adrenaline, trust and a real sense of who's in charge all come together, and when it's done well, it's one hell of a rush.

Talk first, with your pants on

Ask a few simple questions: how hard? Where? What's off limits? Are marks OK, or have you got a beach weekend coming up? What are we calling this, and what's the stop word? Our safeword guide has a simple system. "Red" for stop and "yellow" for slow down is about all you need. If it's going to be a big scene, plan for aftercare too.

Where to hit, and where not to

Stick to the fleshy bits, as they can take it and they feel great.

• Yes: the lower curve of the bum (the "sweet spot" where it meets the thigh), the rest of the cheeks and the upper back of the thighs.
• With care, and with experience: upper back muscles, either side of the spine, the inner thighs and breasts.
• Never: the lower back and kidneys, the spine, the neck, the head and face, the back of the knees, joints and the tailbone. Stay away from them, because those are the areas where real damage happens.

Start with your hand

Your hand's the best beginner's tool you've got, as you can feel exactly how hard you're hitting. If it stings your palm, it's stinging them. Cup your hand slightly, and let it land and bounce.

Warm up. This is the bit most people skip, and it's the difference between agony and ecstasy. Start with rubs and light pats, build to some firm slaps, and only then go harder. Skin that's warmed up can take a lot more, and it feels better. Rub the spot in between. Then go harder, wait, stroke them, and go again. It's all about rhythm and anticipation. Make them wait for it, and watch their body brace for the next one.

Moving on to toys

Try everything on yourself first, on your own thigh, so you know what you're handing out.

• Floggers spread the sensation across a wider area, and they're great for beginners. They can be soft and thuddy, or sharp and stingy. The S&M Ex's & Oh's Crystal Flogger is $22.95, with faux leather falls that go from soft caress to sharper stroke.
• Crops give a small, precise sting. The Sex & Mischief Indica Dual Impact Crop is $26.95, and it's got two different sensations in one toy.
• Paddles land a broad, serious whack, with a loud crack. Build up to these. The Edge Leather Belt Spanker looks the part, and it's a seriously mean piece of kit. Our paddles vs floggers guide explains the differences.

Clean your toys between uses, especially if you've broken the skin, which you shouldn't at this stage. And floggers can wrap, which means the ends may land somewhere you didn't aim. Practise on a pillow until you've got it under control.

Reading their body

Watch their breathing. Check their face if you can, and keep asking what number they're at, out of ten. Some people go quiet in a good way, and some do because they've gone somewhere that isn't good. If they've stopped responding, stop and check. If you're the one receiving, you can stop at any time. There's no prize for taking the most.

Some people feel floaty and euphoric during a good scene. Then, a day or so later, they crash a bit, feeling flat or teary. It's normal. Check in with each other the next day, and don't be a stranger. And if a bruise or welt doesn't fade after a week or so, or if you've got numbness or severe pain, see a doctor. Anyone on blood thinners or with bruising or skin conditions should take extra care.

Is it weird that I like this?

Nope. Being spanked is one of the most common kinks there is. It doesn't mean you've got something wrong with you, and it doesn't say anything about how you feel about being treated outside the bedroom. Everything here happens because you've both said yes, and it stops as soon as either of you says otherwise. If you've got a partner who ignores that, it's not kink, it's abuse. 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732.

Now go on, bend over. Or tell someone else to. See you on the other side, with a very pink arse.