How to Read Sex Toy Descriptions: What "Mind-Blowing" Doesn't Tell You

"Mind-blowing pleasure" sounds great. So does "intense", "luxurious" and "the toy you've been waiting for". And we'd know, because we've written a lot of them. But none of them tell you if that dildo fits in your drawer, or if you want it anywhere near your cervix.

A good description lets you picture using the thing. You can enjoy the filthy copy, and then look for the details that matter: size, shape, action, material and what's in the box. Here's what to look for.

Total length vs the part that goes inside

Total length includes the base or handle. Insertable length is what actually goes in you, and those numbers can be very different. Width or diameter's the distance across, and circumference is the distance around. A ruler helps, and so does comparing with a toy you already own. Your screen can make a small toy look huge, or the other way around. Our dildo size guide makes the numbers easier to compare.

Find the action you want

Vibration, thrusting, rotation and air pulses are completely different actions, and our thrusting vs vibrating guide explains why that matters. A toy can do more than one, but the combination won't always suit you. So think about why you're shopping. Do you want something on your clit? A fuller feeling? Something your partner can control? That answers more than a big list of features. Our first vibrator guide helps if you know you want vibration and that's about it.

More patterns don't mean more power

Speed or intensity levels change how strong it feels, and patterns change the rhythm. A toy with plenty of patterns isn't automatically stronger. If you love a steady setting, cycling through twenty patterns can be more annoying than impressive, especially when you're nearly there. If you love surprises, go for it.

Name the material that touches you

A toy can have a silicone surface and a plastic handle. Another can have a soft TPE sleeve in a hard case. Words like luxury, premium and body-safe don't tell you what it's made of. Our sex toy materials guide explains the differences, and that also tells you what lube and cleaning it needs.

Water and charging

"Waterproof", "splashproof" and "water-resistant" aren't the same, and our waterproof vs splashproof guide explains how. Check how it's powered as well, and if a charger or batteries are included. Our rechargeable vs battery guide compares the two.

Count the extras you'll actually use

A remote's great if you want someone else holding the controls. A storage pouch is great if your drawer's a mess. Five little attachments you'll never touch aren't worth extra money. And make sure the bits in the photo are actually in the box.

For anything going in your arse, check for a flared base. It's the one detail you should never have to guess.

Then keep your shortlist small. Pick a toy with the shape, action and controls you want, and if something's missing from the listing, just ask us. You'll get a straight answer, and we're very hard to embarrass.