Casual Sex, Decent Manners: Say You Just Want to Fuck Without Being a Dick

You want to fuck them. You want to fuck them a lot, ideally on a regular basis, with no brunch, no meeting anyone's parents and no talk about where this is going. Fair enough. You can say that without acting as though they're a vending machine.

Casual can be warm, flirty and a very good time. Great casual sex is honestly one of life's better arrangements. What makes it work is being straight with each other, so that nobody ends up crying in a car park.

One night, or something ongoing?

"Casual" could mean an occasional shag with the same person, or dates with sex but no labels, or one night and never again. Say which one you mean. "I want you, and I'd like to keep seeing you, but I'm not looking for a relationship" is clear, and it's still sexy. If you know you don't want more, don't hide behind "let's see where it goes". That sentence has broken a lot of hearts.

You can be nice without being in love

Remembering their favourite drink, asking about their day or having a cuddle doesn't require a commitment. You don't have to go cold after sex to prove how casual you are. Going from enthusiastic to a stranger in four seconds is a lousy way to treat someone who's just had your cock in their mouth. If staying over means different things to you, talk about it, and our hookup sleepover guide can help.

Talk about other partners directly

Don't guess at exclusivity from how often you meet or how affectionate someone is. Ask. You don't need every detail of their sex life, but you do need honest information that affects your health and your choices. Have the condom and STI chat, too, and keep supplies on hand.

A box of Four Seasons Naked Ribbed in the bedside drawer is good manners in physical form. If one of you wants exclusivity and the other doesn't, say so. Nobody becomes more compatible by not mentioning it.

Make plans like you give a shit

If you've agreed to meet, show up or tell them you can't. You can be spontaneous when it suits you both, and you can book a night ahead. Having a casual arrangement doesn't make someone's Saturday night worthless. The same goes for messages. Work out what contact you both enjoy, rather than following rules about how long to wait. And a "you up?" at 2 am is fine, as long as you've both agreed that's the deal.

Take a no without making it personal

Someone can want you and still decline the kind of connection you're offering. If your feelings change, bring it up, and our friends with benefits article covers that conversation. And if you're done, say so clearly, rather than keeping them hopeful for a night you've got no plans for.

There's plenty of room between planning a life together and acting like a complete arsehole. That's where all the best casual sex happens.