Telling a Filthy Hookup Story? Leave Their Private Bits Private
You arrived for a hookup, knocked on the wrong door, and confidently winked at a bloke holding a lasagne. You're at brunch now, and it's the best story you've got. Your friends are howling. Now they're asking what happened next, and you're about to tell them about the noise your date made, and what they asked you to do with the spatula.
A funny sex story's worth telling, and half the fun of having sex is telling your friends about it. The trick's knowing which part's yours to tell.
Tell the mishap, not their measurements
A badly timed doorbell, your own ridiculous assumption or the moment you realised you'd put your undies on backwards: all of those are fair game, because they're about you. Someone's body, something they felt nervous about or a kink they trusted you with is very different. That was told to you naked. You can say the sex wasn't for you without delivering a performance review.
Leaving out the name might not be enough
"I won't say who, but they're the red-haired chef who lives above the pub" isn't discreet. Think about what your listeners already know. If they all watched you leave with someone on Saturday, you're not exactly protecting anybody by calling them "this guy". For a story that's clearly about a shared acquaintance, ask before telling it, and be clear about who's going to hear it.
The group chat doesn't need screenshots
You can ask a friend for help with a reply without forwarding a whole intimate conversation. Definitely don't pass around anyone's nudes, as our guide to intimate photos and privacy explains. If the chat starts guessing who it is, stop feeding it clues. Let the joke end before it becomes somebody's reputation.
Getting support's different
If an encounter left you hurt, frightened or confused, you're allowed to tell someone you trust what happened. None of this is meant to stop you. Share what you need to get support, with someone who'll take it seriously. That's completely different from getting laughs at brunch. In Australia, 1800RESPECT is available on 1800 737 732.
Already overshared? Delete what you can, ask others not to spread it, and apologise without making it about how bad you feel.
Fun you can talk about
Want something else to laugh about with your friends? Bring a Silicone Penis Ice Tray to brunch. Nobody's privacy gets hurt, and your drink will look fantastic. Our hens party guide has plenty more.
Keep the lasagne, and lose the intimate biography. A good storyteller can get a huge laugh without making anyone regret sleeping with them. For the wider question of who knows about your relationship, read our guide on keeping things private. And check the door number next time.